When God Disappoints You

I posted on my Instagram, saying that I'd read "Greater" 3 times.

In 2014, I felt so related with people whom Pastor Steven mentioned in the book.
I started by saying "I didn't want this" and then ended up joining the club.

Club of people with "wasted faith".

I was an idealist, I came up with my own "formula" of how God works or would work and if something doesn't happen, you need to fix the mistakes, they aren't on God for sure. 

It happened to me and guess what, I spent months living in the accusations I directed towards myself (and devil conveniently joined the party). 

Many Christians believe what I believed and they still do.

But as I grew up, I met an end of this belief system.

No matter how spiritual you are, there are things you will not understand.

This fact left me at a loss for words, that God does not reveal EVERYTHING to you.

I believe that's what makes God (not us) God and us to have more compassion rather than callousness by judging people.

If you are following God and you feel out of place, you are not alone.

Hope you receive something through message excerpted from "Greater" below:

...

Sometimes people hear from God, or think they hear from God, and they burn their plows. Or they dig their ditches. Or they pour the one jar of oil. And instead of being given beauty for ashes, they are given ashes for ashes. All they seem to get for burning their plows is the smell of smoke in their clothes. All they seem to get for digging ditches is muscle spasms for weeks to come. And pouring out their little bit of oil doesn't fill more vessels but only wastes what precious oil they had to begin with.

When God asks for something and you don't get anything back, it can feel like sacrifice. Or it can feel like you just got robbed.

I know a guy who felt certain God had called him to fulltime vocational ministry, so he quit his comfortable job in the music business. He wasn't chasing fame and fortune. His heart was as pure as it could have been. But his decision cost his family dearly and created tension between him and his wife. After years of languishing, long after burning every plow he ever had, he went back to his former business, embarrassed and unrewarded. He had to provide for his family.
One of my closest friends in ministry and his wife have been married many years without children. For years they longed for kids, but finally they came to feel at peace with the idea of never having any. Their lives have been rich and fulfilling, populated with many spiritual sons and daughters. They were content with the apparent fact that biological parenthood was not God's route for them—until people all around them began to share words of alleged prophecy from God about the child they would bear. Sincere women regularly accost my friend's wife, asking if she is okay with not having kids. Some who barely know her ask if she has physical issues that keep her from having children. As their family, or lack thereof, has become a regular topic for everyone from parishioners to visiting preachers, they say it's getting hard to be okay with it anymore. And still there is no child.

I could share hundreds of heartbreaking stories about unfulfilled desires in the lives of believers. When you're a pastor, you wade waist deep in them every day. But some stories hit closer to home than others. And whether you can relate to their specific struggle or not, I think you'll find something to relate to in the story of the Bishops.

....

 - See more at 99.5 KKLA



"Everyone experiences what seem to be unanswered prayers. But in God's economy, no one's faith is ever wasted.
God is working on our behalf even when our prayers don't seem to be working at all. Maybe one day we’ll see that the greatest setbacks in our lives were actually the greatest setups to seeing God’s glory in places we didn’t even know to look"
- Steven Furtick

Thus Far the Lord Has Brought Me

Look How He Lifted Me

2015 and I finally accomplished my study in Malaysia

Why is this such a big deal for me?

Well, because every single year is always a fighting for me and my family in many aspects.

I won't be exaggerating if I say it takes faith to go through these 6 years.

Academically, I failed some subjects, underloaded to 3 subjects per semester in order to 'survive', and still struggled each semester. 

Especially the last semester, I really don't get why, but my sensor got burnt accidentally in week 11 which might cause my final year project to fail, 1 quiz + 2 last assignments in week 12, FYP presentation in week 13, and the finisher was done by final exams for two days straight in the first two days of week 14.

I wouldn't say that God was the One who did my last-and-the-hardest-paper on Tuesday, because if it was so, my paper would lead my examiner to repentance when he read it. But I truly believe, when I fell sick just the day before the first paper, it was God who strengthened me physically and morally to keep on studying and then finally finish em all.

It's funny though, how doubt came knocking on my door like a regular customer when I was waiting for my results to be released. There were many confirmations I received from my devotional time and even on the day of the result announcement, Elevation Worship posted something like this:
"God has already worked out what you're worried about." - Pastor Steven Furtick"

Yes, I felt nervous thinking of my results, but I believed when I've given my best, the next thing I ought to do is let God do the rest. So, I made my waiting time into working time.
I met with many people, served God by doing what I can do: Being the hospitality team for our church's guest speakers, helping my friends who moved out to another place, etc. Truly, I'm still grateful that I did so, I did not waste my time worrying what God has worked out.

"I don't worry, I worship" - Steven Furtick

Glad that I did the latter.

I Went After It

1 Sam 17:34-35 (ESV)

But David said to Saul, “Your servant used to keep sheep for his father. And when there came a lion, or a bear, and took a lamb from the flock,
I went after him and struck him and delivered it out of his mouth. And if he arose against me, I caught him by his beard and struck him and killed him.

Pastor Steven said: "That's what I hope people will say about me as a preacher, "that boy went after it, that boy preached till he couldn't preach anymore, that boy left it all out there in the pulpit, he went after it""

So here's my version:
I might get too hyped when worshipping God on-stage that I was off pitch many times, but I went after it.
I'm not the best singer people would've met in church, but, I still went after it. I keep on worshipping God no matter where I am.
I often thought too much until my goalkeeping was pretty clumsy sometimes, but I went after it.
I got too emotional when leading prayers that I have these slips of tongue every once in a while, but I went after it.

I want people not to see as a perfectly fine person because I'm not, but I really want that they see me as someone who "goes after it".
I'mma give my best shots each time my friends and I spend time together.
I'mma give my best to bring out the best in people around me.

What I do is not perfect, but I go after it.

I Have Nothing to Prove, Only One to Please

People asked me whether or not I'd finished my work in Malaysia.

I said "yes, absolutely"

Not only I finished my part, I'd prepared my friends to continue our works in FGCC Malaysia and even how to prepare their successors.

Back then, people often said my style of leading people is too harsh, some questioned my values, while some doubted my methods and the other assumed things- without really knowing what really happened between me and my friends or mentees.

I'm not saying that we don't have to improve and evaluate ourselves, it's mere arrogance, but beside having the right response in this kind of season, I also believe we ought to stay true to what God has called us to do, and I know that I have this holy discontent about young leaders.

I believe everyone is a leader in their own respective area. So that is why I devote myself into mentorship, learning more about it and being hated because of it.

While I had indeed made some wrong decisions previously, I'm also getting better at making right decisions. That is called growing and maturing, I believe.

Although some things I do will cause oppositions, I will not change my stand.

Even if I was given a chance to go back to the past, I would still choose and do the same things over and over again. 

Even if it means to be jeered at for doing it, I still will do the same thing.

Why?

Maybe because I know that my audience is not you, but God.

Through all these experiences, I learnt what they mean by giving up your right to be justified.

Real life situations, my friends heard things from other people about certain issues. I don't know which translation version they used, but I strongly believe if I was invited to their discussion, their stories would be a little bit different even if I did not speak any words. 

I hope you get what I mean.

Too often we try and even put our lives into justifying ourselves, to the extent that we don't have the chance to experience how God justifies us.

And too often we play the victim, and y'know, everybody can play the victim, it's easy.
I refused to have the victim mentality by explaining the real situations to just everybody.
Some people might not even be interested in the facts anyway.
It is less likely that people will clear up the misunderstandings they have caused and rarely people talk about others' strengths instead of weaknesses.

Let me put this in another way, if your gossipers won't bother clean up their mess, why should you, clean up their mess by trying to explain and prove everything you have done every single time? 

Ain't it tiring, peeps?

Romans 8:37 (ESV)
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

How can we become 'more than conquerors' if we let other people's voice define our reality?
Shouldn't we let God's Word define our reality?
Do not be a slave of people's opinions.
You have one true Master, it is God, not you yourself and certainly not the gossip.
Whether or not you read your Bible will determine your life.

This is necessary, however, to surround yourself with people who will get you closer to God, even if it means sometimes they need to support your decisions and the other time they rebuke you for your (pre or post) bad decisions, yet they still accept you just as you are.
Be transparent with them.

You can only grow in community, make sure your community is healthy not only for your happiness, but your inner man.

"You cannot grow in isolation. You can only grow in community." - A. R. Bernard

If something you have done is right, I believe God will make it right and clear the misunderstanding in front of people.
Otherwise, He won't (and then sends people to remind or rebuke you).
He might justify it later in this world or maybe in the later world, because everyone would be responsible for everything they have done and said.
However, even if He doesn't, it means the misunderstanding itself is not a big deal.
Simple!

Phil 3:15 (ESV)
Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.

I believe what Phil 3:15 says and you know what? 

Your actions reflect your beliefs.
That's why I act this way, because it reflects what I believe or especially Whom I have believed.

I have nothing to prove and only One to please

So Long, Malaysia

I thank God for my community, FGCC Malaysia.

I am a product of community, it doesn't take miraculous event to help me be an Indra Tan, it doesn't take a wonderful activity, or complicated strategy. 

God works on me tremendously through my community.

and especially my mentors: Ko Eddy Chang, Kak Tama Pakpahan and Kak Dicky for your impacts in my life, your relentless supports, prayers, and constructive rebukes. 

Your lives influence me to be the person I am right now.

  

  

Thank you Malaysia for this 6-year experience.
It has been a great journey.

I am moving on to the next stage.

Soredewa mata!

The Difference between Congregational Worship and a Concert

Retrieved from (thegospelcoalition.org)

John Piper, writing in 2008:

Thirteen years ago we asked: What should be the defining sound of corporate worship at Bethlehem, besides the voice of biblical preaching? 

We meant: Should it be pipe organ, piano, guitar, drums, choir, worship team, orchestra, etc. The answer we gave was “The people of Bethlehem singing.” 

Some thought: That’s not much help in deciding which instruments should be used. Perhaps not. But it is massively helpful in clarifying the meaning of those moments. 

If Bethlehem is not “singing and making melody to the Lord with [our] heart,” (Ephesians 5:19), it’s all over. We close up shop. This is no small commitment.

James K. A. Smith, writing last year, made a similar point. While there may be a few exceptions to what he says here, I think he’s exactly right with regard to the main thrust of Christian congregational worship.

1. If we, the congregation, can’t hear ourselves, it’s not worship.

Christian worship is not a concert. In a concert (a particular “form of performance”), we often expect to be overwhelmed by sound, particularly in certain styles of music. In a concert, we come to expect that weird sort of sensory deprivation that happens from sensory overload, when the pounding of the bass on our chest and the wash of music over the crowd leaves us with the rush of a certain aural vertigo. And there’s nothing wrong with concerts! It’s just that Christian worship is not a concert. Christian worship is a collective, communal, congregational practice–and the gathered sound and harmony of a congregation singing as one is integral to the practice of worship. It is a way of “performing” the reality that, in Christ, we are one body. But that requires that we actually be able to hear ourselves, and hear our sisters and brothers singing alongside us. When the amped sound of the praise band overwhelms congregational voices, we can’t hear ourselves sing–so we lose that communal aspect of the congregation and are encouraged to effectively become “private,” passive worshipers.

2. If we, the congregation, can’t sing along, it’s not worship.

In other forms of musical performance, musicians and bands will want to improvise and “be creative,” offering new renditions and exhibiting their virtuosity with all sorts of different trills and pauses and improvisations on the received tune. Again, that can be a delightful aspect of a concert, but in Christian worship it just means that we, the congregation, can’t sing along. And so your virtuosity gives rise to our passivity; your creativity simply encourages our silence. And while you may be worshiping with your creativity, the same creativity actually shuts down congregational song. 

3. If you, the praise band, are the center of attention, it’s not worship. 

I know it’s generally not your fault that we’ve put you at the front of the church. And I know you want to model worship for us to imitate. But because we’ve encouraged you to basically import forms of performance from the concert venue into the sanctuary, we might not realize that we’ve also unwittingly encouraged a sense that you are the center of attention. And when your performance becomes a display of your virtuosity—even with the best of intentions—it’s difficult to counter the temptation to make the praise band the focus of our attention. When the praise band goes into long riffs that you might intend as “offerings to God,” we the congregation become utterly passive, and because we’ve adopted habits of relating to music from the Grammys and the concert venue, we unwittingly make you the center of attention. I wonder if there might be some intentional reflection on placement (to the side? leading from behind?) and performance that might help us counter these habits we bring with us to worship.
You can read the whole thing here.

God does not show favoritism, but His love is so wide, long, high and deep that He can love you to a personal level

Untitled

I love You, God, with all my heart, all my soul and all my life.

I love...
Every time You show up, just like that, and silence all my doubts and fears,
every time You teach me Your holy and perfect way,
every time You touch my heart and see me in my most vulnerable state.

I love...
The way You correct me and encourage me to get up over and over again,
the way You teach me how to love You and Your people,
the way You do miracles in Your time.

I'm learning...
To love You according to Your way, not mine,
to obey and trust in You in the wilderness,
to love all the seasons You lead me through

I love You, the righteous and faithful God.
Your law is my desire,
Your justice I long for,
Your mercy I need,
and Your love is greater than life itself.

"My hope secure, Your promise sure, Your love endures, always"
I love You for who You are

Even Before That

I used to share to my friends that my first experience of hearing God's voice was when I asked Him about my first love, "is she the one?"
Many of you know the conclusion of this story, I got a direct, straight and bold answer: "NO!!"
It took me until this year to realize that it wasn't actually the very first time for me of hearing God's voice.

Even before that, when I was in 1st year of junior high school, I went for a teen camp called NRETC (National Reformed Evangelical Teen Convetion). During the last session, the speaker told us about voluntary offering. Somehow I felt like I needed to give my money from my wallet, I checked and found Rp 300.000. It was worth 2 months of my allowance. Then I called my mom, I said "I know our budget was kind of tight, and I didn't even walk around or went for shopping yet, but I wanted to give this money to God."
She told me to do what I wanted to do. So I just did that.
But, even before that, I told some friends about our family spiritual warfare when we were in Cirebon (2nd grade) caused by my father's colleague from Kalimantan Timur. So this person invited us to her house, she bought us many things including toys which I really liked.
Short story, those stuffs were "filled with something" and we needed to burn them all. Strangely, I was willing to 'sacrifice' all the toys to be burnt to ashes without feeling sad. I knew I did this because God told me to.

Some people receive His Words differently, but let me share my story of hearing God's voice.

1. Standing for God will trigger great opposition
I wrote this post weeks ago, however God didn't let me continue my original writing. I just couldn't put my outline all together.
"This 'opposition' part needed to be changed!", so I did some editing,
and it was until I watched Furtick's 4th part of Sticks and Stones, I knew why God didn't let me put my original thoughts, check the preview here

No matter how young or old you are, how small or big things you are doing, or who you are, you're going to face opposition if you are doing something for God.

Honestly, I don't think I'm that kind of religious guy, you know. I was born in Methodist background, being a radical person, I started to ask questions and did research about who God really is, is there really a so-called God. I did that when I was a kid, bla bla bla and Jesus just saved me.
Then I grew up, trying to know God deeper, while I failed so many times, I fell into pornography in my second year of senior high school, I got a really bad temper, I didn't control my words and some other bad stuffs.
(see? not that religious right?)

In Malaysia, a preacher from Abba Love came and confirmed my gift of prophecy, I did not know what was that (although it did sound cool to me), all I knew was that I truly believe in Jesus and many people said that I had a gift of faith, that's all.
Then, I started to learn and optimize my gift of prophecy since 2010.

Still, many people said things like "you're too religious", "you're too bold", "you're too straight", "don't be too critical in studying God's Word, because you need to apply it to your daily life"... and they came from my friends.
I was even told several times that because of my sharing of how God works in my life, someone got discouraged and lost his/her confidence in his/her faith, so I should stop doing that.

The thing is: I'm pretty sure Who called me to do what I've been doing right now, so if I really do spiritually harmful activities, let Him judge and refute me. But if I'm really called to do so, I pray that one day God would reveal these things to you, if He doesn't, that's fine either.

Nevertheless, often times greatest opposition doesn't come from your surrounding, it comes from within you.

Feeling scared of falling when you try to step out by faith
Doubting whether it is really God or just your feeling or imagination
Voices say that this thing is not gonna work
Imagination of 'what ifs' that runs wild 

Believe me, I've tried a LOT of things just to make sure that God really speaks to me
and all the time, I face great oppositions while doing what I think I heard from God (I say this because many times I'm not sure of His voice, it was full of oppositions as the result of following that voice)

2. Your first step of faith

It's not that we don't hear from God, we just don't obey what God has told us to.

What did you do when God said "no" to you?
What did you do when God said "do it" to you?
Being unable to discern God's voice, many people left it as it is and didn't do anything.

But the real question is, are you really going to stay quiet, be afraid of falling down, frozen in fear of rejection and keep waiting until this might-be-invitation-that-God-wants-us-to-embrace passes by? Or will you be willing to step out in order to find out?
Because even before that, Peter, one of Jesus' disciples did that attempt, he stepped out from the boat towards Jesus who stood on the water and believed that Jesus would catch him even when he fell.

He always will, His hands are not short, and He is able to sustain you, so take your first step of faith!
(I'm not encouraging people to do stupid things though, such as finding out whether someone is your future spouse by randomly dating your crush etc. We need wisdom, please)

3. Set yourself apart

Habakkuk 2:1
I will take my stand at my watchpost
and station myself on the tower,
and look out to see what he will say to me,
and what I will answer concerning my complaint.

Do you put yourself to a position that you can listen to God clearly?

Away from your social medias, hi-tech gadgets, news, and stuffs

Do you give your time for God to read the Bible, not only to pray and report your stuffs to Him but also to listen to His Words?

Do you set yourself apart? Fighting against your flesh, the one I called you-know-it-is-wrong-but-you-do-it-anyway?

If you haven't, start positioning yourself so that you can hear clearly from God.

It's easy to say that you want to hear from God, but it's another thing to set yourself apart.
Even before that, Matthew 5:8 said

“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

(I did a deeper study on this verse, check it out if you want. Blessed are the pure in heart)

4. Times and Seasons

Up to this point, maybe some of you would say: "Hey I've done all those things you mentioned above, but none of those miraculous things have ever happened to me."
and people often said to me: "Yea, it's easy for you. Not everyone can hear from God as clearly as you do though."

We often look at the fruits, without seeing the roots

I wrote this to tell someone, I was not born super religious and holy and I'm still not one even until now.
I even doubted and asked God this question last week, "God, where are we now? Are we headed in the right direction?"
After that, there was one time when I took several minutes to answer His question: "After all these things, will you trust Me to be your Guide?"

The reason I couldn't answer it directly was because I thought: "After all these things, God?
After I offered my dreams and embraced something that You called me to, only to trade them with harsh rejection?
After I did my best to move forward and not give up, just to get kicked right on my face?
......
......"
It took me my own step of faith to reply: "Yes, Lord. No matter what has happened, what may come my way, please be my One Guide to the very end."

This is what I do or even force myself to do, when the options of ditching God's instruction, giving up our hopes and trusting yourselves are all around me: Keep pressing forward.

I admit my weakness, I admit my doubts and fears, I admit my frustration to Him, and then I press on, hoping to know Him better in each one of my journeys.

Sometimes God doesn't want to give us direction because He wants to be our Guide.
He doesn't let us know the direction we need, because He wants to teach us who He is.

Steven Furtick said: The people God uses aren't fearless, they're just faithful

I'm not saying I'm faithful, because I'm still fighting to be.

Every fight and process I've undergone with Him, brings me closer to the One who assigned me to do things trusted to me.

Not instant, but through times and seasons.

So, what's your excuse to stop hoping for God?

I hope this post might be helpful for someone, no matter what state you are in right now, believe in His timing.
You are unable to hear from God until now? Show your perseverance! Desiring to know Him deeper, longing to have encounter with Him and waiting on Him.
Because even before that, He told us in Isaiah 30:18
Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.

(ps: I do weekly fasting just for one topic, "I want to love Your Bible, teach me how to love it because this book got no picture, it's filled with complicated words, and sometimes I had headache when I read it, but I want to delight in it. Teach me, Lord".)

Steven Furtick and Elevation Church

If you notice, lately I kind of "promoted" things about Elevation Church and Steven Furtick
No, I'm not a part of their marketing team and I'm OBVIOUSLY NOT from Charlotte, NC
This post doesn't consist of my review about them, sorry if I don't really write "professional" reviews about churches and their movements haha

You can check the Lead Pastor's website here
or you can visit the Elevation's website through this link that I visit often

Anyway, you might be wondering how and when I found them
Honestly, as I always told everyone (yea, some people did ask about it. Thank you for asking) before this, I really forgot what happened on that day
But a few days ago I just remembered how it was

I opened my tumblr as usual, to find some inspirations, refresh myself and look for some good readings (I have tumblr? Of course I do hahaha. Click here willingly if you want, please)
Okay, let's put aside the promotions I did previously

Then I read a post of this note:
Your kingdom is forever
Your love will last forever
All glory, all honor
Unto our God forever

Being curious, I googled it and found this song, Unchanging God:

Which then led me to explore more about Steven Furtick and Elevation

I found that the sermons are powerful even though some accusations and controversies were directed towards Elevation (well, if you stand for something true and powerful such as Word of God, you'll get attacked even more)

Personally, the songs and sermons I listened helped me during my "Time and Season" of preparation :) (without altering the Word of God into any other prosperity movement etc etc)

Please enjoy them as I do a lot of times :P

A Journey of Obedience and Faithfulness

I have been writing this draft since last month,
There are some reasons that I posted this just now :D

A vision!
This time, I was inspired to picture myself as a kid, doing all my activities normally...
Until one day, He told me, "Hey, I got a surprise for you."
"What surprise? No, it's okay, I'm perfectly fine with everything, I can't even thank You enough for it."
"Just follow Me."
And He put a blindfold on me, even if I said that I was okay and wouldn't ask for more.

He held my hands and led my way, He knew the direction, while I was still wondering where I would be brought to.
This turned out to be a pretty long journey to walk, some might take days, months, years for some people.
For me, months...
During the beginning of the journey, the one thing called obedience was very easy to do. I was excited, having high hopes, I didn't feel tired of walking and everything was just beautiful at the beginning.

Days after days had passed and I started to wonder,
"Hey God, why haven't we reached our destination yet? Why don't I feel that we are getting any closer to the place You've told me?"
"Be patient..."
A simple sentence that has a really deep meaning behind it
(3 Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
4 Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. - Psalm 37:3-4)

Steps after steps, I began to fall down sometimes, I felt the obstacles here and there, an uncomfortable atmosphere around me, and hear that people had stopped going on this direction. But, I couldn't see anything at all, I did not know what was happening.
I asked and kept asking "Is it the correct path? Can we just quit this journey and go back home?"
You know, I just found out that keep asking to "go back" indicates that you are being discouraged. I was, I really was.
He said, "Keep on walking"
(5 Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
6 And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
7 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. - Psalm 37:5-7)

I honestly admitted that I wanted to question His answers, I was starting to lose heart and faint, I hated this situation, but I didn't let my hands go of His.
I kept on walking...
Many times I felt too tired to hold on
Many times I was overwhelmed with fears
Many times I doubted that I would ever reach there
and many times, I was brought down on my knees in prayers, only to take a break, and ask for His joy and peace to fill my heart.
I felt like walking through a deep valley.
(4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. - Psalm 23:4)

Then I reached a point where I bumped into a wall, a really high wall, many people kept saying that it was the end of the journey.
You know what, to quit was my biggest prayer before I walked on this journey because I simply didn't want to meet a dead end. I was sort of 'being led' to continue this journey, and here I was, in front of a high wall.
My hopes were shattered, I couldn't even think of any good endings of this journey.
I wanted to express my vexation, I wanted to defend myself, yea I was sort of being angry. But He told me to calm myself down.

(8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil. -Psalm 37:8)

I wanted to speak up upon 'unfairness' I experienced, because I just felt like a dumb.
(2 I was dumb with silence, I held my peace, even from good; and my sorrow was stirred. - Psalm 39:2)

Still, weirdly He asked me to humble myself even more and stop thinking about those things. "Be still, be quiet and trust in me. It is not over yet, let's start walking again."
So, I left my anger and anxiety behind, I forsook and forgot about it. Nothing good's gonna come out by keeping it.
(9 I was dumb, I opened not my mouth; because thou didst it. - Psalm 39:9)

Nevertheless, my heart cried out to Him, "God, what do You want me to do? Continuing this walk? I've accepted the fact that I might have met a dead end. My only prayer is to be strong in moving on, that's ALL I need. Isn't this the dead end? EVERYONES's already gone back and been telling us to do the same, isn't it stupid to go on? I am being avoided and forgotten anyway."
(9 Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly.
10 For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed.
11 I was a reproach among all mine enemies, but especially among my neighbours, and a fear to mine acquaintance: they that did see me without fled from me.
12 I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel. - Psalm 31:9-12)

"No, you know it is not over yet."
Then I brought myself to start walking again.
Every single day I woke up, I always prayed for more strength, courage, patience and gentleness.
I was tempted to figure out everything and strategize an "after-journey" plan, but I got frustrated even more, that was too much for me right now so I left everything to His mighty hands.

I just know one thing for sure, I know the voice of my Sheperd!
My part is to walk obediently and joyfully, knowing that He is with me and He has something for me.
"I'm done fighting, I'm finally letting go"
and I still walked on the road He had showed me, with my eyes focused solely on Him.
(1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. - Psalm 23: 1-3)

1st of October, He said to me: "You know, one day you will be thankful for what you are doing right now."
I, being freed from my own thoughts, was finally able to say: "Hey G! Whatever Your will, whatever the result is, I will still love You, I've fallen for You since a long time ago. You're the One who always stands beside me even when I'm all alone. I love You and I trust in You."
Well, Christ is enough and that's what matters most :)
(22 For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee. - Psalm 31:22)

How do I know that God is with me?
Because:
the fears I felt,
the tears I shed at nights,
the doubts I had,
the failures I faced,
and even the rejection I got are all real,
certainly His peace and love that fill my life abundantly.
(13 As one whom his mother comforts, so will I comfort you; - Isaiah 66:13a)

Unless he obeys, a man cannot believe ~ Bonhoeffer
I learn how to walk really obediently, although without understanding the reason why I should keep on walking.
I'm just doing what I've been told.
Maybe, I learn to really BELIEVE.
I love God more than my self-esteem, dreams, hopes, feelings or even myself.
Trust me, I wouldn't want and wouldn't be able to lower myself to this extent without Him.
This is literally my everything, my life as a burnt offering.
(1 I cried unto God with my voice, even unto God with my voice; and he gave ear unto me.
2 In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered God, and was troubled: I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah. - Psalm 77:1-3)

I have many stuffs to work on, I'm still praying everyday only to ask for strength to continue walking.

My situation was somehow described by this song,  HELP ME FIND IT - Sidewalk Prophets

A powerful song!

As I said at Youth Service, I can't promise you anything, I just trust that GOD IS FAITHFUL

and now I'm learning furthermore to rest in the faithfulness of God.

I'm learning to stop doubting+worrying and wait for Him, because He's never failed before.
(114 Thou art my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word. - Psalm 119:114)

Last thing, a really clear picture of this vision of mine is that:
When the time has come and I've reached the end of my journey, He takes off my blindfold and lets me see what's there waiting for me. I'm simply brought down on my knees again, and in awe I say: "Thank You, Father. I'm really thankful for THIS (whatever it is)."

I wanted to know about it, but I had stopped asking Him, for I know that obedience is much better than understanding. It's not that He does not have intention to reply my questions, but it's just not the time yet.
I've made sure that I did not ask Him to 'break me and use me for His purpose', I'm weak, instead of feeling 'that' tough to pray for such prayer.

Yet, I'm joyful because in every turn of the road, He's there, waiting for me and encouraging me all the time.
I do everything, remain faithful, and press on forward based on conviction I received, that's all I know.
(This is my comfort in my affliction: for your word has quickened me. - Psalm 119:50)

And in the end, I will be grateful because I finish this race just like how He wants me to.
You may not understand today or tomorrow, but eventually God will reveal why you went through everything you did. - Jarrid Wilson

Faithfulness involves character, discipline & determination. It makes choices from a base of conviction, not convenience! - Brian Houston
So, turn your eyes upon Jesus and stay faithful, friends... Stay faithful :)

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say: "It is well, it is well with my soul"

New Chapter 23/05/2013

Hey there, so this is about processes I've been going through til today :)

Years have passed and I know that I've grown and I'm still growing
1-2 years ago I was offered a certain responsibility, which was a huge one, (started from a smaller one for sure), yet in doing that, I faced many pressures from many places.
Fulfilling these tasks are not easy, even without them, studying Mechatronics in Monash is never easy since the beginning

But I looked at how God has led me through years of processes, and wow, I'm standing firmer compared to how I did before :)
God never ceases to amaze me!
Through commitments I built with people I love: Fresh Com, Fresh Ministry, ISCF (until last year) etc. I was brought to a long journey that sharpens me very much.

There was times when I felt like I'd fallen and I was just holding a spiky rope to make sure I didn't fall off. I often thought, why I should keep some of these. I'm bleeding because I try to put everything together, maybe it's better if I release my hands, that's not my responsibility (I had this option actually, after consulting with my leaders, and I know noone would blame me for quitting in a good manner).

I kept learning about priorities and commitments, even higher price I should pay, tears-sweat-blood I should shed and often time I was brought down to my knees.
But that's not my point, for everything I pay for Jesus is worth it
Even currently I can't foresee how these services and efforts (ministries, study, cell groups) will turn out to be, I just believe "He has made everything beautiful in its time" (Ecc 3:11a)

Ah, about commitment, through these people I learn so many things I never expected actually, some of them sharpen me really 'harshly' that sometimes I unconsciously tried to run away.
What I mean is not about sharpening process that may cause anger, misunderstanding etc (you may suspect what Kak Tama did to me, but this is not about him :P), it's about them who sharpen me due to their past, their relationship with me, their words, their behaviour, or their lifestyles.

Once Kak Tama told me: "Beruntung ya kamu, dapet anak2 komsel yang baik."
Compared to these "new" commitments I got myself into, I could say that my previous commitments/communities are really good and soft. I'm thankful meeting them, cell group mates who didn't cause too much troubles haha!

I might be hurt  here and there, yet I'm still holding on, it is because I can see God's plan for me through this year's processes, this new chapter. There are many aspects of my life that haven't been spotlighted, because it was not the time yet, not it's the time.
I could run away (not an option, just my ego, although noone would blame me either), I could be giving logical reasons, I could use "how do I know that this is my time to do this?"
I just know one thing: God wants me to be faithful in this new level, this sole reason is enough compared with other reasons I could think of to avoid this process.

Like everyone else, many things were unclear at first, and I just walked by faith step by step. As results, I started to know myself even deeper, about my weaknesses unexposed before (I did not even know this aspect of mine), learnt to overcome my feeling, to stay neutral in facing problem (mine or other people's) and see from God's perspectives. I learn all of these through this year's chapter of life ;), but above all else, I'm grateful that I could learn more about God's Heart!

Hey you guys, who sharpen me many times, I thank y'all.
I hope I'm not the only one who learn from our journey together,
and let's keep praying for one another.
God bless :)