This semester welcomed me with unexpected developments in some areas of my life, especially in our ministry. We had braced ourselves for the coming waves, some things are within our preparations, but it does not change the facts that they are still tough to handle at times.
For a starter, many people inquire which side I am on in terms of theology. I admit that this is not my strong point, even when I'm trying to learn it by myself (yes, I mean with the guidance of Holy Ghost, if you will).
I remembered things that were asked previously when I was in Malaysia, such as "how far do you know about eschatology? Predestination?" or "Are you Calvinist, Arminian, or are you the type of people who try to mix em?"
An "I don't know, I only want to follow Jesus" just doesn't satisfy these people.
Recently I was even asked "implicitly" to check whether I'm a continuationist and if I am, we'll discuss how unbiblical it is to be one. I really did not know how to properly respond to it.
Well, I haven't changed my direction in terms of my own reading/watching and learning reference (while I did expand my range in learning to a wider scope), like: Answers in Genesis, Desiring God, Elevation Church, JPCC, Hillsong, LifeChurch, Saddleback Church.
Does it mean I have all the answers to reply people who ask?
By no means I have it all together, in spite of my efforts to study the Bible since I was a kid, my responses more or less still consist of "I don't know".
I guess I'll stop talking about this...
I still think that I'm still exploring and searching for a proper guideline to lead youth. Even when I give my best while looking for the answers, I still don't know many things.
For instance, in order to be a youth leader, what to and what not to do? What to have and what not to have? We're going back to the vision and mission to the community we're planted in, but is what I-think-relevant-and-supporting-the-vision going to create the fulfillment of the vision or become a stumbling block instead? What about when we try to build unity in the team and yet some people consciously withdraw themselves from us? Is this method effective? What if it doesn't work? How to be a better leader for this community?
....
It came down to the fact that I don't really know the full answer to those questions that I asked to myself, because nowadays, the problems and struggles among young people vary with even more complicated level compared to the former period.
However,
I believe the struggle of looking for appropriate actions to tackle different problems 对症下药 belongs to many leaders, the great ones are not even excluded.
This struggle, this glitch is what keeps them to be better leader.
All great people in the Bible had this kind of glitch, the one God used, the one that helped them to be who God wanted them to be.
At this moment, I find it difficult to live with these glitches. I ask for help from people and still, many questions are left unanswered. I wonder if these unanswered questions of mine indicate that God will open my perspective in ways I'd never seen.
What if my "I don't know" will bring me to a deeper revelation when I'm being more and more focused to learn what God wants to teach me?
So, I'm living the motto my alma mater is well known for saying, Ancora Imparo - I'm still learning. I'm still learning to be a better person than me yesterday, still learning to be a better leader, better servant of God, better in terms of spirituality, character and actions.
I asked myself "still learning? What for? Will it suffice? Until when?" to which I then replied
"I don't know....
but God knows"
I'm working on mysteries
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