Even If

December is not my favourite month, I think, yet it might symbolically represent the "month of completion" for me as much as January represent the "month of new beginning" (okay, it's just me)

I and my sister felt so happy to come home (it's such a rare occurence, y'know).
I'd finished my exams, completed my projects for the semester (FYP 1, Katam-Ciyu's Wedding, FGCC Sunday Services) and even delegated my tasks and vision-mission to my successors in Fresh Ministry: Jansen and Claudys.
Basically, I had accomplished almost all of my works in Malaysia, so I guess that's why I was really looking forward to this holiday period.

I had made this to-do list that I would do during holiday, some are doable, some are prayable, and the others are laughable:
1. Learn how to play guitar (oke, gitar si dedek ketuker sama gitar Deo, n lagi stay di Jakarta)
2. Finish the books that I brought: Blink (Malcolm Gladwell), Limitless (Nick Vujicic), Lead Like Jesus (Ken Blanchard and Phil Hodges)
3. Do some futsal coaching (dannn... temen2 gua sudah jarang maen futsal ya)
4. Get enough sleep (biar makin tinggi, tapi kayaknya ini tinggal angan2)
5. Come up with Fresh Ministry hoodie design
6. Understand and play with the Arduino language for the further development of my Final Year Project next semester
7. Gain some weight (pffft)

These activities were postponed somehow, as we went to Jakarta two days after I and my sisters arrived in Palembang for my dad's reunion and my friend's wedding (at where I received the weirdest question of all possible questions for me, "kapan nyusul, dra?" Gua next year baru 22 taun, saudara2)

Back to December, sorry I got a bit lost just now.
For me personally, I would like to call it as the month of transition.
As next semester will be my last semester in Monash, I've started planning what I'm going to do right after I graduate. I listed some possible options, consulted with my parents, mentors and close friends, and finally came up with a particular solution.

Nevertheless, the sense of worries and doubts started crippling.
I;mma tell you why.

1. What's the purpose, God?
Ever since I was born again (can't remember when to be exact), I prayed that I would live a Spirit-led life. Giving my best, serving God and the people while praying the same.
Yet in this last year of study, after all these things, I think, I barely see any progress.
There are some people grow up as what I ministered from God to them, this blesses me a lot, but many don't.
It's not "many" like legion or something like that, but the numbers are just devastating and even discouraging for me to keep on keeping on.

This brought me to ask God again "Did You really call me? Did You really call me to do this? I ain't hearing wrongly, am I?"
In the past several months, I'd been crashing this chatterbox over and over again (referring to Steven Furtick's latest book) while serving God.

"Will it be any use anyway? What's the purpose of doing this while many people don't even support you?"
were the questions that constantly came into my mind.

I opened my eyes, I saw people I care for compromise with their sins, that they told me that they wouldn't want to actually.
I opened my social medias, I got hot because of their posts (which is why I fasted from some of my medias for months).
I typed something and it hurt people (they said), is my short message that menacing or people are just getting further away from the truth and has trapped in their own compromise?

Ironically, I was worried of typing or saying even anything because of this fear.
I researched on Dale Partridge's blog, Ray Comfort's , and even Pastor Steven's to find out how they respond to such oppositions.
Still, it's scary how negative people can be towards these people.

2. What will I become?
I guess, because my last semester is coming, I asked this frequently.
I've mentioned about this struggle from academic side, but in fact, I'm experiencing in my aspects, including spiritual aspect.

After I 'graduate' from FGCC, what church will I join? What kind of church? What area of ministry? Will I be able to serve like how I serve in FGCC in China?
to the question such as:
Will I be able to play futsal in same or higher level?

I'm starting to see that I have kind of settled down in FGCC, in Malaysia. With all my achievement (I know they are not that great actually, but still they are not instant), how am I going to "level up" in another place?

Simply put, I indirectly questioned about God's ability to put all things together for my good.
This took me days before I realized it.
During my flight to Jakarta, Spirit of God spoke to me in while I was thinking all these lesser priority stuffs, "Why are you making it sound as if you are going to face your life all alone?"

I worried whether or not I would serve God again in leading worship at my church (wherever it is), I worried whether or not I would have the chance to learn to be a preacher, I worried whether or not my style of preaching is acceptable at that church, I worried and I worried that I forgot the One who had called me here.

I thank God for people that helped me to see from different perspectives regarding this "next church" matter, Ricky Hadap, kak Tama n ci Yuyu, Jansen Karim, Brian Adam and Hao2. You guys might not realize it, but your simple messages were really helping me in the time of doubts.

I asked myself, "does it really matter if I would serve like how I expected to be? Doesn't what matter most is that I do whatever God calls me to do?"
Ps. Philip Mantofa said in his sermon "God is not done with you yet".
So why... are you worried, Indra?

For my number one question, I rewatched Ps. Steven Furtick's "Don't Stop On 6" Hillsong Conference 2014 version (love you Pastor Steve, thanks) and was reminded of how obedience is in our department and outcome is in God's, I remembered how Pastor Steven emphasized on standing strong even when nobody supported him or when many people seemed to turn against him even when he did what God told him to do.
Why... are you scared?

I wrote in my previous post of how some things do not make sense even until now.
Again, as if God asked me "if you were given a chance to go back to the past, would you do the same thing?"
Oh yeah, sure, I'd do it again because I know who had called me to do so.
Even if I'm feeling like crap because of that,
even if I'm constantly in doubt because everything doesn't seem to make any sense,
even if I had been disrespectful to God because I experienced what wasn't caused by what I did.
I would do it, again, because God told me to.

I asked myself, "isn't this resolution enough for you to believe God's heart when you can't see His hands?"
I once asked "how to have an 'even if' relationship with God when God had given His love before we even started to love Him?"
and God had led me to have this story where I need to keep my faith, to love God EVEN IF what God's doing doesn't seem to make any sense.

Will you still love God even if He disappoints your expectations?

I love this quote, so I'mma write it again:
“When I realize that everything that is happening to me, is to make me more Christ-like it solves a great deal of anxiety.”- A.W. Tozer

A Not-So-Short Random Post

I think it's a good time to write a totally random post, so here I am.

Soon after finishing my exam, I and my friends were busy organising my mentors' (Kak Tama Pakpahan - Ci Yuriko Kesuma) wedding celebration.

I thank people who still participated in the committee in spite of their exam preparation period, y'all are such a great help.

Thank you Katam and Ciyu for giving me the privilege!

(this might be my first and last time for being an EO for a wedding celebration, seriously)

Having accomplished my tasks, I finally had free time to meet with my another mentor, Kak Dicky Sudrajad. I love how God works in their family, especially him, as the leader. He is the one who introduced me to apologetics ministry and it's just so awesome to know that the same vision is there, even though God had called us to serve in His different fields for a moment.

I told him about my vision, future plans (career and study) for my last (next) semester and even for the next 5-10 years. He helped me in focusing my vision according to what we trust as my calling, and even to the further topic, relationship.

Man, this is why I love talking to my mentors! 

Anywayy,

recently the feeling of anxiety was still lingering within me.

I still asked, "Why did I need to go through all those things? It did not make sense, and even now it still doesn't."

It's the same thing as what Christine Caine said, "Ask yourself this frequently: what is this here to teach me", the question appeared, however, with my own unnecessary anxieties.

On Sunday, 07/12/14, my Pastor, ko Eddy Chang ministered a message from Abraham and Lot in Genesis 13:1-13, of how Abraham was totally relaxed with how things developed between their two groups of many people, he gave his nephew the freedom to choose the best land (Lot did, as if he didn't consider his uncle's future), so Lot chose the hole Jordan Valley, meanwhile Abraham settled in the land of Canaan.

My pastor said:  That exact humility showed how Abraham placed his trust in God. We can see how God blessed him afterwards.

You see, from what I read, Lot did not desire the land of Canaan, he desired somewhere he thought better (well-watered like the garden of the LORD), the Jordan Valley. Abraham, on the other hands, was like "well, if you go there, I'll stay here, anything for you, my beloved nephew."

Funny thing is that the land that Abraham chose to stay at (like randomly), the land that did not fascinate Lot's eyes, would be the Promised Land for the Israelites. Yes, THE Promised Land that was described as "the land flowing with milk and honey" hundreds of years later.

The presence of God changes everything.

I asked myself: do you still trust God even when He has led you to this dry land? Trust that He will bless the land He has brought me to?

Obedience is all that matters. Obedience is the proof that you love God.

Everyone can claim they love God, but the difference is in their obedience.

The finishing blow for my anxieties was actually something I had read (and even saved on my note) previously. When I was ready to face my fears and hurts (I sorta ran away from some hurtful things, I admit) and desperately asked God "What do You want to teach me?", I started to see the things I need to learn and pick up along my journey, God-like characters and lifestyles.

Joseph did not do anything wrong, but his brothers hated him nevertheless. 

If I were Joseph, at this point I would say that my only mistake was tell my God's vision to my brothers and started to despise myself for that while working in the prison.

David served Saul with his talents sincerely but Saul envied and started the man hunt. 

If I were David, I might question if God really called me to serve Him this way.

Luckily I have the chance to learn from them, not the other way round.

“When I realize that everything that is happening to me, is to make me more Christ-like it solves a great deal of anxiety.”- A.W. Tozer

Yesterday, Elevation released their weekly sermon (still in Surround series, if you wonder) called Let's Bring It Full Circle. I watched the preview, Pastor Steven said:

God says, "I don't measure the size of the circle, I measure the size of the sacrifice that the circle represents."

and all the things that came up together made me decide to write this post.

Set Apart

Happy summer break, Monashians! Congratulation for clearing another semester of hardships, tears and sleepless nights, ancora imparo, ain't it?
I'mma make my holiday productive as usual, starting with reading these books, especially The New Answers 1 that I had actually read few chapters and gave up because the content requires high level of intelligence (and I said I study engineering?)

Fit to be Tied - Bill Hybels
The New Answers 1 - Ken Ham
Blink - Malcolm Gladwell

I spent my first hours of liberty by watching The Undertaker's (WWE) matches though.
Don't judge me, he is a legend

A little bit throw back:

Jansen Karim Zebua (Head of Praise and Worship Ministry) and Angelia Margaretha Wirawan (Head of Vocal Ministry) invited me to come to a worship seminar and it turned out that it was run by Worship Central.
Now we have Worship Central Malaysia *clapping sound effect

Can't say I'm a hardcore fan (like I am to Elevation. Speaking of which, EW will be releasing new album called "Wake Up The Wonder". Order them, you must.), but I do listen their songs, especially Spirit Break Out.

I met with Luke Hellebronth, his wife, Anna Hellebronth and Stewart Mcilrath.

Maaf gua sama Angel kurang tinggi

The better news is that they open Worship Central Academy in Malaysia, check it out HERE to apply.

I'm utterly excited, as I'm passionate about being a Youth Pastor or Worship Pastor (those are the things what God has planted in my heart), I might be able to fulfill this calling after I've been working for some time though (makanya cepet lulus dulu, dra).

So this opportunity is like a pathway to my calling and ummm, I'm negotiating with my parents about this academy, so please keep praying for me, will you? Appreciate it much, thank you :).

Anywayyy, they were selling the T-shirts and CDs. I, when looking at 'Set Apart'-themed goods, I was like "let's get as many as we can" (still wonder why I was not permitted to bargain).

Yang mo pinjem (CDnya) kasih tau ya

Speaking of set apart, I was introduced to the term "set apart" by my friend 2 years ago. Truth be told, even before that, I actually knew the older version of it: "sanctification" (yea, I'm old school), which is from the Hebrew word, Qadash.
This is one of the rhema I received when I was younger and, uh oh, I'm so into it.

This time, I'm going to share about it (no, not about The Undertaker)

To be anointed means to be singled out by God for special favours or responsibilities - Steven Furtick

Recently I found out that there are a lot of (new, yet kinda expected) rumours circulating about me (almost like a continuation from what I wrote on my old post).

People think I might have a gift of celibacy like Paul (I got that a lot, for years),

they start to match me with random female friends of mine, 

some even say that my future spouse isn't even born yet, 

or
to the extent where some people really think that I feel attracted to guys (just check my Ask.fm).

- No I don't. In fact, one of my dreams is to marry ONE godly woman and be blessed with cute and adorable children (number of children is TBA).

Jarang chatting, tau2 begini nongol pagi2. Anak komsel macam apa ini?

Di-tag di IG n Path, terus ada yang bilang "denial stage ya?"

The thing is...
I might meet her when I'm 22 (next year dong), 25, or maybe after 5-10 years, whenever God sees fit. I believe by setting myself apart for God, at the same time I'm preparing myself for her, our family and our family's calling.
Don't you see that marriage can't be your goal? It's another level of God's greater calling for both of you.
You shall not just pick up random people, because marriage is about a teamwork, thus a fit helper, an equal partner (Genesis 2:17) is mandatory.

Honestly, while you wonder who I am going to marry, I had prayed concerning this topic years ago. I mean, IF I did have a gift of celibacy, it would be much better if I had heard it from God at the first place. (gua juga cemas woy, beneran ga nikah nih, Tuhan? - just kidding kok. I'm all Yours).

Well, I don't get any affirmation regarding this gift (too bad for those who hope that I do).

So prepare yourselves, y'all, my future spouse is going to be fantastic and amazing (like I am).

Okay, back to the Word.

I will take my stand at my watchpost and station myself on the tower, and look out to see what he will say to me, and what I will answer concerning my complaint. - Habakkuk 2:1

In ESV, it clearly states that this Habakkuk guy 'stations himself', of which I picture the state of being set apart.
It doesn't mean you won't need your friends, mentors or community to discern God's will for you, but it does mean you thirst for God more than anything else in such level of intimacy, urgency and extremity.
(and it doesn't state that Habakkuk brings his Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Path or electronic gadget with him-Distractions, big time #justsaying)

I believe the key of setting yourself apart is to know God and desire to know His heart more and more each day. By doing so, you'll see that nothing can EVER compare to His love - and this is such a radical theology, because it takes faith for us to really live it - it pleases God nevertheless.
I would say, even my spouse will be nothing, compared to Jesus.

He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. - Ecclesiastes 3:11

Don't waste your time by waiting for a wrong person, or worse, by being a wrong person for the right one.

Two weeks ago, in FGCC Fresh Youth Service, Ps. Fu Xie ministered a sermon about becoming someone who you are looking for is looking for (I'm sorry, that was originally in Indonesian), of which I guess I'd heard a similar message from Pastor Andy Stanley "Are you who the person you are looking for is looking for?" (how do I know Andy Stanley? Of course because the fact that he had preached in Elevation before *teteup).
So, are you? and I asked myself, am I?

Quick tips: If you think you're preparing yourself in your singleness for a certain someone, it's great. But what about your family? Do you think you have loved them like how a child should God does? I think they are the most suitable people for you to love before anyone else, second after God.

Singleness is a process of preparation, not an embarrassing state that you need to get over quickly.

Don't try guessing or hastening God's timing for you. 

Heartbreak hurts, man. Be it from people's rejection or God's no.
Can't you just trust God for His plan and His timing for you?
He has your best interests at His heart.

Meanwhile, set yourself apart!
So you don't hinder God's works in you by getting distracted by trivial things.

When you deserve the best, why settle for less? - Bryan Leong

I know I'm kinda unconventional.
I still hold on to my uncommon principles like "my first kiss is my wedding kiss".
Well, that's because I know that I deserve the best, and that's exactly why I said "I am different" (and proud of it yo).
I refuse to settle for less, therefore I trust God with my singleness until it's time.

Be sure of this: when it's time, it's time.

My First Gaming Consoles

Currently I was trapped in the reminiscence of my childhood.

I was checking many types of gaming consoles, based on my memories and the help of Mr. Google, I started to explore these classical consoles.

To start off, my first gaming console (because Prehistorik 2 in my aunty's Windows 95 can't be included for sure) was Sega Genesis Model 2.

Beneran dah, gua punya yang ini

Out of my curiosity, I downloaded some emulators in my laptop, but maybe due to exam's pressures, I re-opened them altogether the memories of my past (apa sih dra). I then came to the knowledge of the existence of gaming consoles that I'm not even familiar with, like Atari.

When I moved to Bandung, I was in Kindergarten at moment. No different from any active kids in common, I often asked my parents to bring me to a mall.
This mall had game center at its top level, if I'm not mistaken it was BIP, Bandung International Plaza (does this building still exist?)
What I can remember is that I played Mighty Morphin Power Ranger side-scrolling action game via an unknown game console (should be SNES).
Ah, and right under the game center, there was this shop that sold figures, mostly Superman.

Game imba, saudara2.
Tapi kudu bayar gara2 maennya di BIP

I guess my dad bought me Sega when I was in Cirebon, during my 1st-2nd year of elementary school because I was so noisy and kept asking him to buy me one game console (I don't know if it happened or not, but considering my behaviour at that time, most probably yes).

There were cool games such as: Toxic Crusaders, Spiderman vs The Kingpin, X-Men 2: Clone Wars, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers The Fighting Edition (turned out to be pirated version from SNES though).

These games are the ones which made me excited and nervous every time I played. The true suffering was when you spent all your character's lives and you needed to start again from the very beginning, because it did not have a helpful component called 'memory card' (gimana emosi gua ga labil pas kecil dulu?)

Exact appearance of my game cartridge!
I always thought this game was called "Genesis",
until I googled "green man mop sega genesis"

Game seru, tapi ga bisa nge-save bikin frustrasi woyy
Untung sekarang gua udah tau cheats nya, muahaha

Spidey, anyone?

Game yang kalo mo maen selalu maksa dedek buat jadi player 2
(koko macam apa sih ini?)

I'm always late in terms of gaming technology, even when I moved to Palembang, I still played my Sega Genesis. At the time when everyone had Sony PlayStation 1, my Malaysian uncle bought me a NES console, where I played Battle City, Jetman, Super Mario Bros, Hyper Olympic, Circus Charlie, Duck Hunt, etc.
After some time, when Sony PlayStation 2 was booming, only then I finally bought my Sony PSone (itupun dengan pesan sponsor "Chen, dibeliin ini makin rajin belajar ya")

Circus Charlie

Duck Hunt

Super Mario Bros

Hyper Olympic

Battle City (Tank 1990)

Choujin Sentai Jetman

Gaming consoles have improved tremendously, what I once thought as cool games, might be pretty lame if the technologies are to be compared.
Thanks to technology, now we have the incarnations of those legendary gaming consoles, called emulators.
You can check em out on EMUPARADISE.
It's going to be fun to play old games, if you have time (don't blame me if after reading this post you start to play video games too much).

Cheers!

I Am Not Forgotten

Hola, short update on my blog. I'm going to write some great experiences I had recently. Yes I know I'm supposed to study for my final papers and finish my FYP progress for this semester instead of writing this down.

This semester I entered some futsal competitions with my friends, and we won some, woohoo...
Can I be honest (well, I'm always honest... I was only asking this because I could only think of this sentence at moment) that I'm really really happy that I received a proper training in futsal?
I started to train my futsal goalkeeping ability in 2013, which is last year. So I was playing mini soccer instead of futsal in my previous years, I guess.

Praise God for my coaches, Kevin Yee and Vedo Irawan that continuously help me to correct my forms.
+ Valiant Ibrahim that fights together with me, that we encourage one another during training sessions and even matches (bareng2 dicupu2in, dibohongin, ditindas, n dianiaya sama si Vedo. Pokoknya selalu bareng dah).

Long story short, our self-proclaimed "Happy 3 Friends" initiated an intensive futsal training for ourselves, which then mainly consist of Sunesia (old) players.

I don't think wearing turtleneck will do any harm

AUISS Cup 2014, bersama si MVP

Gua dan Uswah bukan kakak beradik btw

Personally I'm really proud of our jersey. This is the first jersey that I (we) have ever designed by ourselves, with a borrowed tagline from Leonis FC: Our Blood, Our Sweat, Your Tears! (peace y'all).

Olaf FC, Titan Futsal League Division 2 (Season 2)

Sunesia Reunited, ISCF Cup 2014

Promosi Black Out Jersey

Meeting with Sunesia players did not disappoint me (biasa, nuansa reunian itu hangat2, tidak ada kebencian, tidak ada permusuhan, semacam nuansa lebaran atau natalan dah. Apalagi pada bawa pacar n istri masing2, woy gua kapan?)

Especially because I had a chance to talk with their ex captain, Mario Satya Wirawan, whom I respect since I joined ISCF. One thing I admire from him: a fighter mentality.

When we were having our supper, he mentioned this one phrase that I remember until now: 

Stay honest!

This post ain't much, but I want to draw a connecting line from "Stay honest" with "I am not forgotten".

During my own "stay honest" phase, I felt like I went through a desert where I felt like I was neglected. I didn't find what I really needed, I kept on doing mundane things noone was with me at that time and it felt really bad.

I almost gave up, but I stayed honest about my fervour, stayed faithful in doing my passion and calling even when I was all alone.

You might say I was shaped through all of that, yes I was, but I remained myself.

God cannot bless who you pretend to be - Steven Furtick

 

Nevertheless, God never forgets about me.

For instance, He remembered that I like to play futsal in spite of my many activities.

1.5 years after I quit playing for a while, I was "found" by Vedo who happened to play in Monash and introduced me to Monash captain (bla bla bla, you've known the story or if you haven't you can read it HERE)

I was kinda short of money, but God let me play futsal and train for Monash, for free. 

Even better, I have Monash Univ jerseys for free as well (thanks Monash, ha!).

I always wished to receive futsal trainings, and I did.

I dreamt of playing in an international team, I did play for Monash and Olaf (and train with Leonis) and against great players.

I wanted to win (who doesn't?) a non-Indonesian futsal tournament, I did.

I wanted to design my own jersey, we did, this year.

You see, some of those things are the ones I never actually prayed for (that's also why I typed them in past tense). 

I thought they were impossible, unrealistic, or egoistic, so I didn't even pray about them.

But God knows the details and gives me chance to pursue my dreams

and I'm sure He will give everything He sees good for us without holding back.

These are just a few from the list of my answered prayers, which I can't tell here as they are personal. :)

God remembers, I am not forgotten!

If you want, you can say that this is the best moment in my life.

Yes it is, yet for now.

I still feel that there is something more waiting for me.

There are greater things that God has prepared for me, while He's preparing me for 'em.

If you just stay honest (be different, be who God has made you to be) and stay faithful in your struggles, God will prepare you for His promotions and greater blessings.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. - Phil 1:6

It's A New Season

It's a new season, it's a new day.

A fresh anointing is flowing my way.

It's a season of power and prosperity.

It's a new season coming to me.

That's from Israel Houghton's song, New Season.

How I wish that while I sing this song, a new season, a good start for me, a perfect season to step out into new level is coming to me.

But nope, I indeed made a step into a new level, however with a "not so good" start.

Here's the story, I was given a privilege, to play for an International-level futsal team, called Leonis (only one time, one golden chance. See the reason why I desperately wished for a good start?)

We won 11-5, it was okay, but bad for me as 2-3 goals were my silly mistakes.

Ironically, it's enough reason for me to feel really down.

Before going on, some of y'all might wonder how come I was asked to play for this Leonis team.

I have a connection, a friend, a great futsal player with many haters (soalnya muka n gayanya sengak), Vedo Irawan.

We met in 2010 in FGCC, and played futsal together, although he joined another team called Sunesia (I was in ISCF) that time.

Iseng buka foto2 lama, gua aja lupa ada foto ini

This guy has been pursuing his passion and love about futsal, until he reaches international level, which is rare for Indonesian students like us.
He is also the guy who introduced me to Monash Futsal Captain, Shafiq and so I was invited to join Monash training since last year. Such an honour indeed, I started to meet and get to know Monash players, Coach Kevin Yee, RG boys, and even some of Malaysian-league futsal players (from PKNS and Selangor FC).

Shaf is the middle guy standing behind me, with a bitter facial expression, and there's Zec with his intimidating aura

While I thought I'd reached a university level (which I still need to learn a lot), Vedo had played in Leonis for a quite long time. Yes, I'm saying that we are in a different league.
This year, I was privileged to play again in Monash team, and we lost at the group stage #justsaying

I think we tried hard to smile, that's what I think though... btw ada Yudhi di kanan bawah, huoo

At the same time, I was invited by Vedo to come to Leonis training.
So I'm like "oh okay, this is a great chance for me to LEARN."
You can imagine how it goes for me, a newbie, self-proclaimed Goalkeeper, just barely played at university level, now trained with a semi-professional team.

Sounds humble? No, I just lack of confidence.
As Pastor Steven Furtick said, "preachers tend to be one of the most insecure groups of people on the planet" (Crash the Chatterbox)

Pamer foto lama doang sih ini bro

That's not a solid reasoning, but I'm that kind of people that often lack of confidence.
It might not seem so, yet my close friends understand this the most.

Back to my third paragraph above, I played bad during the game, I realized that I did uneccessary mistakes and felt unecessarily timid.
During evaluation, Vedo and Valiant (a futsal player from Sunesia, who has been going through almost the same portion of futsal training in Monash as me... My bad, he is even worse, he's a futsal maniac) gave their honest opinions and I learnt a lot from them.
Vedo added, "you set your goal too low, you need to set higher goal for yourself."
This hit me, y'know, because what he said was true, I was satisfied for just being able to training with Leonis, that's all.

One point I want to make clear about, if you wonder, of how three of us became really close.
It's really simple, it's just because we found similarities among us: We are passion and purpose driven type of people. (in this case, futsal)
Honestly, in regards of passion, I think I am the least driven compared to them.
That's why I'm really grateful for meeting them, they helped me a lot in pursuing my passion (as well as to remind me again about my purpose in Church, community, calling, and study)

Ceritanya abis maen buat RG Junior, I posted this on IG before. Btw belakang itu Yassin ya, Val?

Still, I thought of things like "I don't think I'm ready to play in (adult) International level yet" and "I suck, dude. I don't know what happened."
Then I remembered what my late American Football coach, Mr. Jeff Pelland said to me after I told him the same thing I thought of back then, "If you know that you played bad, then it's good. Why? Because you know what your mistakes are, so you will not do the same mistakes again."

Sunway Storms and Sunway Titans

The next thing I knew, I was remembering what Sidney Mohede shared in FGCC pre-Christmas celebration, 2009:
In Indonesia, he had become well known for his works, it's like there was no single person who did not know his name (even my old-school parents heard of him, no kidding, man). He was like, "I'm starting from 0, and I keep improving, now I'm at 9".
Then he was invited to lead worship in Taiwan, where he was needed to do that in mandarin, he can't even speak mandarin. So, he admitted that he felt so nervous as if he went back to 0 again.
But he then realized, he wasn't at 0, he was at 10, because as for that time, he had gone to International level. He said to himself "welcome to international world, man".

That's just a portion of his sermon, he wasn't showing off his fame or whatsoever, you can check his full sermon by ordering The Chronicles DVD from my friend, Sandy Ijaya through this number:
016 - 9968019.

"Worry is a down payment on a problem you may never have" - Joyce Meyer

I kept worrying especially after the game, and found no good thing resulted from doing that.

I felt like I messed up the game, but in case I forgot about it: I was playing for a semi-pro team, I SHOULD be thankful for that.
I know I'm not good enough to play a quality game in international level yet, but I've just arrived.
I'm stepping on it, I'm just starting.

(The funny thing is that Leonis players don't really make a big deal out of this, they don't show off their "international level" skills, they aren't confused, they aren't timid under the pressure. They are simply calm and confident, that's how they show their class.)

It took me some time to realize this again:
In the middle of our journey, we need to take a break and thank God for everything we have until now.
I'm not saying that we can feel satisfied and settle down from giving your best, that's arrogance.
I'm saying that we tend to catch up with this high pace world and competitive trends around us until we become discontent with everything. Yes, everything.
Arrogance starts when we stop being grateful (say "Amen", somebody).

I believe that when we forget to be grateful, we'll start taking all the credits for yourselves, that's arrogance.
We forget to thank God, our friends, our colleagues, or family as if we do everything on our own (if you feel that  you've been fighting alone all your life, I think you are wrong).
So, sometimes we just need to stop and say Ebenezer, thus far has the LORD helped us.

I had a bad start, but it won't stop me from learning and improving further.
To make it even further, I wanna thank God for everything before I go on.

I thank God for rare chances given to me and for He has led me thus far, I thank Vedo and Valiant for their supports and advice regarding my passion, I thank Kevin Yee-Bryan Lee-Pep Chia for Monash futsal, I thank ISCF for giving me such solid foundation before I ever moved on to another level, I thank Coach Yaser and Leonis whom I just met several times, I thank my close friends for being my "Lighthouse", I thank people who read this post in advance to check anything.
(I'm sorry if I'm gonna stop here, too much to be grateful for).

Now, I'm telling myself to move on and keep on learning from the opportunities given to me.
Imma keep walking on without leaving my gratitude behind.
It's a new season!

God is My Banner

What's up pals, I'm so sorry that I disappointed some of my friends' expectation which said "sering2 update blog nya ya".
I was like, "Well, I don't have any interesting story to share currently, and to look at it deeper, I only have 'Pages That Are Hard To Write' (courtesy of Juli Wilson). No blog writing for a while."
Today, when I checked out my blog, it's been 3 months since I posted something (only been 3 months or already been 3 month, depends on whether you are a pessimist or optimist, okay that's not my point anyway).

For the sake of the divine calling given to me (?) so that I can bless other people through my writing (actually so that my friends know my updates, that's it), I brought myself to sit down in front of a computer (Monash computer, because my house's wifi is down), simply: To write.

Short update:
I play futsal 2-3 times a week since I arrived back here in Malaysia.
I meet my friends to catch up, have a one-on-one conversation with one of my mentors, Ko Ed and was introduced to some new people.
I had some problems in allocating my timetable (as usual) but it is okay now.
Lastly, I'm still considering what project's topic I should choose for my Final Year Project.

Let's back up a little bit...
Last semester, I received this message loud and clear, a message that conquers all my fears and doubts, a strong promise from the LORD to stand with me as all the battles I'm currently facing is His, yes it is awesome... BUT (a small but, I might say) I often find it hard to relate this promise with my current situation.
The message is: Jehovah Nissi (if you notice, I put that on my bio and even my phone's lock screen)

I'm not going to have a biblical seminar here, yet I find that the source of this word is interesting (Bible is always interesting, thank you)
Exodus 17:15 Moses built an altar there and named it Yahweh-nissi (which means "the LORD is my banner").

My cellgroup mate, Pendy introduced me to a war manga called Kingdom (have heard that one? YOU SHOULD READ IT, mate), and because I have this unique (not weird) interest in something like ancient Chinese/Japanese kingdom, I enjoy reading it.
I read books (especially manga) about Romance of Three Kingdoms, Miyamoto Musashi, Sengoku Period etc.
I notice a significance in carrying a banner in a war:
1. The banner shows the identity of leader/general of the armies.
2. Carrying that banner means carrying the dignity and reputation of that general.
3. During the bout, if a troop successfully accomplish its mission, a war cry that praises the winning general will be shouted instantly. On the other hand, you can try to imagine how it feels to be the losing side.

See? The banners give you a strong vibe, doesn't it? (Kingdom)

Free picture of Kamen Rider Gaim, who fights while carrying his own banner *don't judge me

MacLaren's commentary on Exodus 17:15:
I. First, realise for whose cause you fight.
II. The second of the exhortations which come from the altar and its name is, Remember whose commands you follow.
III. Lastly, the third lesson that these grey stones preach to us is, Recognise by whose power you conquer.

I felt like, this is so kewl (cool), that's what we are supposed to be doing as a Christian, living our life and showing that the Almight LORD is our banner.
Being a Christian doesn't mean we are perfect, it just means that we are forgiven, and even in our iniquities, the LORD is still our banner.
Isn't it great? Isn't it powerful? Come on!

As I looked back at my own life, I can see that God has been so good to me.

Nevertheless, many times I failed to understand His plan, I failed to notice His glory over me, I failed to find the reason of holding on to the words He had said to me, and even worse, I felt unloved and defeated during my war. I'm kinda afraid of hearing "come" from God again.
I know that my battle is His, but I can't see the victory of it, I can't feel or understand the reason of it, my battle is open ended.
This sounds like I'm contradicting my points, no I'm not.
I'm showing that even though I'm weak, He's strong.
Even though I'm faithless, He remains faithful.
I might forfeit everything but I will NEVER forfeit my Banner.

My current condition doesn't change the truth that God is still loving and powerful, on this alone I believe.
If any of you are fighting an open-ended battle (like me, maybe I'm crazy but I know I'm not the only one), this reading might be helpful:
Nicki Edwards' Pass Me The Matches

If you are tempted to run away from Him, quit your process or leave in the middle of your journey, remember Philippians 1:6
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

What I do is to say this over and over again until I fix my eyes on Him:
God is the purpose of my fighting
God is the glory of my struggling
God is the reason of my hope
God is my banner

I Pray

Why Girls Wouldn't Want a Knight in Shining Armour

Some of you might think that I'm not cut out for this kind of topic, as I just passed my China Singleness Anniversary (in popular term: Jomblo 20 tahun) last year, which means I might celebrate my Silver Singleness Anniversary (Jomblo Perak, according to my FreshCom Leader) in 4 more years.
Some of you might also think that in order to talk about this, you need an experience (I agree) which is ironically translated as: You need to date someone (or even many people) in order to be an 'expert'.
I'm not going to discuss about that, but let me share some:

Shining armour means this warrior doesn't fight in a war so often
I did my internship in a construction site last year and in period of 3-month time, I have dirtied, scratched and almost broken my helmet. At first I was like: "No! I want to keep it clean" *silly me*, but you know what? If you want to keep it clean and shiny all the time, just don't wear it!
In other words: Don't put it in a good use, just place it in your house for display.

You can argue with me that you want someone who is fighting bravely and yet 'cleans' his armour regularly. Yea right, teenage girls :|
I'm saying that scratches (and scars) are the proof that someone has been through some battles.

Your knight will protect you from bad things
Doesn't it sound good to you? He is able to make you feel safe, respect you, keep your purity, work hard, and all the things in a list that Ps. Jarrid Wilson can make.
Well, no!
Why is that?
Because as a girl, you wouldn't want someone to ruin your fun in the name of 'right things' (now I'm feeling awkward in writing this).

You might prefer
your own fun schedules, 
popularity among boys,
someone who accepts you for who you are AND does nothing,
someone who 'tolerates' and adapts to your situation,
someone who is easy going and intimate with all people even though it's kind of flirtatious,
someone who says "well, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Be yourself" all the time.


rather than a 'good guy' who:
keeps reminding you about daily devotional (come on, shopping versus bible study, pfft)
admires you as if you are the only one for him (because you need to do the same, troublesome)
warns you about bad habits you do and decides to stay with you anyway (you call it 'bad'? I call it 'some-old-habit-that-can-be-tolerated') 
stands strong in his values, vision, belief and is able to lead you (old people's stuffs, ain't nobody got time for that)
keeps his relationships with others properly so you can trust in his integrity (integrity? What's that?)
has a good reputation for living in truth (I'll pass, I don't really like someone who is too spiritual)


That's just my example, you can find more from this link and here's the difference between a girl and a woman.


"Happiness is not finding the right person. It’s being the right person." - Steven Furtick
He also said in his post: I’ve seen countless Christians sabotage their marriages not because they married the wrong person but because when they got married they weren’t the right person for the other person. Not in their chemistry, but in their character.

You might be in the right relationship with the right one, but not being the right one would potentially destroy your relationship.
Anyway, are you sure that you want a knight in shining armour? (similar question goes for me: Am I sure that I want a Queen-to-be Princess?)

Count Your Blessings

You can change the title as you want, the options are as follow:

1. Things that I want to show off

2. Things to be thankful for

3. My happy moments

Just kidding...

Although this writing is telling you what I received and went into recently, I'll make sure that IF you follow this post, you will find sharing that will encourage you :)

We tend to forget that we are blessed and highly favoured, yes we do...

I'm actually helping myself to be grateful by writing this post, as how I wrote the previous post

I'm such a forgetful person, I can forget God's kindness just like that, not a good thing for sure

2013:

1. I'mma remind myself of how grateful I am for a brother named Brian Adam Pratama in my life.

Ajarin gua selca dong, Bri

This awesome guy became my one on one partner since last year, and I have the sweetest brotherhood ever since.

Strong relationship needs sincerity, efforts and commitment.

2. Playing for Monash University Malaysia Futsal Team

Yoi merah sendiri

I was like "Go-International" huh?
I'm not the best Goalkeeper they can find, but through unexpected event, my friend, Vedo Irawan talked to Monash Captain, Shaf and recommended me to train with Monash team.










3. Freelance futsal

Elastico vs Oli's Team

It's not like they pay me or something like that, but some nice and generous people who don't mind if I play bad, such as Elastico's coach (which happens to be my cousin's friend, Samuel Siew) . He sometimes invited me to play for their team.
I'm honoured.






4. Leading worship in a wedding ceremony

Deo mukanya lagi jelek di sini, jadi gua upload yang ini

My first ever experience in doing so. I was confused, like: "What song to bring? I know I can't shout like usual, but how am I gonna do this?"
Thank you Ko Jackson Pang and Silvie Hosea for the privilege :).








5. Meeting my "twin sister", Wellney Yarra

Abis makan brutal sama mamanya Welni

Buku Max Lu Kado kalo menurut dia

I met her last year as she enrolled herself in CIMP Malaysia. I found many similarities between us, we are both smart, talkative and attractive *teehee. Hence, I often introduced her as my twin sister to my friends. I'm thankful that I have the privilege to listen and share stories with such great woman of God.
She gave Max Lucado's book as my birthday present and wrote a message as her appreciation, it goes like: "Makasih karena menghabiskan waktuku yang sangat mahal buat cerita sampe subuh." Well, it's pretty much summed up her gratitude, eh?

God really loves her, I tell you...
If any guy wants to date her, he better be really serious about it and take care of her well. You mess with her, means you mess with me.

6. Steven Furtick and Elevation Church

    

Through an unexpected event happened last year, I found a post on my Tumblr that led me to Elevation Church, in November 2013 (read it HERE)
I love Pastor Steven Furtick very much, he is one anointed, passionate and enthusiastic preacher of God.

Through their Elevation app, (of which you can download for android and iphone for free) I am able to listen to God's Word easily.
I follow their sermons and projects from that moment onward, I even listen to Ps. Steven's sermons over and over again because they are powerful and encouraging, they help me to stay on track and stand strong big times, perfect food for your spirit.

2014:
Fast forward to this year, shall we?

7. Invitation to serve with FreshGe in Semarang

The invitation came from Ko Franklin Gunarto, an alumnus and a senior Worship Leader in FGCC.
I never expected me to be invited, you know (I'm being honest here), I was at a loss for words, thank you :)

                             

Song lists :3

Ps. Eddy Chang's preaching

Sound Check at GMS Tower of Victory

FreshGe at GMS ToV, Semarang

FGCC (+Alumni) in GIA Pringgading, Semarang

 8. Ko Frank's efforts and response

Si Ko Frank dan bayangannya Ci Mon2

I'll try to tell his story briefly: He has bought a train ticket for Friday night from Bandung to Semarang, but due to flood, he needed to drive all the way back to Jakarta while calling travel agents to get flight ticket in order to reach Semarang on Saturday noon
(because we had rehearsal at 1 pm, and this team is expert, they didn't meet each other for 2 years and only had practise session on the day they served ahaha). 
Ko Frank then reached Jakarta at 3 am after long hours of driving. By God's grace he managed to get 9 am ticket, though previously he got 11 am ticket.

My FreshCom Leader, Adrian Kosasih told me that when he gave Ko Frank a call on Friday night, he could hear that Ko Frank still sounded excited and didn't even feel down.

I'm sorry for my short explanation above, maybe you can't understand what happened really well, but after a whole night driving right after you worked, without being able to rest or even taking a shower, due to some unexpected development (flood), yet you are still joyful?
Soo, his response really inspired me :)

Not only that, actually later on, I found that all FreshGe members had their own trials but they still served God whole-heartedly and you can see joy on their face when we worshipped together.
I'm really grateful to be there.

9. Steven Furtick's message

As I implied above, I was never a member of Elevation before this, I just love the sermons and the books (Sun Stand Still and Greater).

Makasih lho Jansen

Here's a preview from Sun Stand Still, that helped me stay sane.
Before you swim out any farther, be sure that God is the One leading you out into deep waters. Count the cost. Consider the ramifications. Apply wisdom. Then, once it's clear he is calling you into the waves, don't you dare let the magnitude of your fears send you back to dry land. Keep moving out deeper. Keep reaching up.















In the beginning of January, I just tweeted randomly about Ps.Steven's new book, Crash the Chatterbox and Elevation Worship's new album, Only King Forever. Then this pastor, who barely replies anyone on Twitter, sent me the message you can see at bottom.

I was like: "No, Pastor, thank you, I just want to support Elevation by buying your books and cds."

After that, I felt like God said: "Accept it, it is for you"

So I sent my address anyway.

And on 4th of February, the package came (after being missent to Taipei), hurray!
It's not like I used God's name to justify my doing, but for me personally, this is really His way to show how I am not lost from His eyes.
Recently I felt really down, I felt like I'm doing something that seems pointless, and even sometimes I even felt worthless, but I know God was the One who started everything. I often find myself wondering, "Do these things have purpose, God? I need a break, I want to get my joy back."
And just like that, He sent me fresh winds, as if He wanted to say: "You got My attention, son."

10. I'm grateful for my (real) sister, who forgot about my birthday and had short-circuit in her brain since she started doing internship :|

Many times she asked me some silly questions and then realized after some moments, she would say: "Dedek bego ya ko."
One time I told her, "My whole body is sore, I just had futsal match yesterday" and she was like: "Heh? You played futsal yesterday, why are you feeling sore now?" I'm unable to answer this question.

Still, she is my precious younger sister, we often do stupid things together, be idiotic together, share stories (you can name the categories: funny, serious, stupid, good-for-your-future, relationship, ga-jelas, ga-penting, apa-sih-ini.) and have fun together.
So yea, I'm cherishing my every moment with my beloved ones.

11. I am grateful for battles that scarred me but didn't break me

You guys have your own battles, I have mine.
This was what happened recently, it took me some time to finally be able to say: "Yes, You are Who You are, You are faithful, great and loving. I will trust You wherever You lead me to."

When darkness seems to blur His plans, believe His character.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. - Jeremiah 29:11

My point in writing this is not to show how blessed I am.
I'm counting my blessings and teaching myself about God being my only joy.
I believe the key not to be anxious about anything is through thanksgiving.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God - Philipians 4:6

In every season we are currently in, there are blessing and beauty all around if you look for them.
Maybe you're feeling down right now, you feel disappointed, you feel worn out and broken, but we have to learn not to be anxious about anything. Surrender our doubts and fears to God, because He cares.

You don't believe me? Never mind, just trust His words, for He is trustworthy.
You can start doing what I did, counting my blessings and see that God is faithful!