Even If

December is not my favourite month, I think, yet it might symbolically represent the "month of completion" for me as much as January represent the "month of new beginning" (okay, it's just me)

I and my sister felt so happy to come home (it's such a rare occurence, y'know).
I'd finished my exams, completed my projects for the semester (FYP 1, Katam-Ciyu's Wedding, FGCC Sunday Services) and even delegated my tasks and vision-mission to my successors in Fresh Ministry: Jansen and Claudys.
Basically, I had accomplished almost all of my works in Malaysia, so I guess that's why I was really looking forward to this holiday period.

I had made this to-do list that I would do during holiday, some are doable, some are prayable, and the others are laughable:
1. Learn how to play guitar (oke, gitar si dedek ketuker sama gitar Deo, n lagi stay di Jakarta)
2. Finish the books that I brought: Blink (Malcolm Gladwell), Limitless (Nick Vujicic), Lead Like Jesus (Ken Blanchard and Phil Hodges)
3. Do some futsal coaching (dannn... temen2 gua sudah jarang maen futsal ya)
4. Get enough sleep (biar makin tinggi, tapi kayaknya ini tinggal angan2)
5. Come up with Fresh Ministry hoodie design
6. Understand and play with the Arduino language for the further development of my Final Year Project next semester
7. Gain some weight (pffft)

These activities were postponed somehow, as we went to Jakarta two days after I and my sisters arrived in Palembang for my dad's reunion and my friend's wedding (at where I received the weirdest question of all possible questions for me, "kapan nyusul, dra?" Gua next year baru 22 taun, saudara2)

Back to December, sorry I got a bit lost just now.
For me personally, I would like to call it as the month of transition.
As next semester will be my last semester in Monash, I've started planning what I'm going to do right after I graduate. I listed some possible options, consulted with my parents, mentors and close friends, and finally came up with a particular solution.

Nevertheless, the sense of worries and doubts started crippling.
I;mma tell you why.

1. What's the purpose, God?
Ever since I was born again (can't remember when to be exact), I prayed that I would live a Spirit-led life. Giving my best, serving God and the people while praying the same.
Yet in this last year of study, after all these things, I think, I barely see any progress.
There are some people grow up as what I ministered from God to them, this blesses me a lot, but many don't.
It's not "many" like legion or something like that, but the numbers are just devastating and even discouraging for me to keep on keeping on.

This brought me to ask God again "Did You really call me? Did You really call me to do this? I ain't hearing wrongly, am I?"
In the past several months, I'd been crashing this chatterbox over and over again (referring to Steven Furtick's latest book) while serving God.

"Will it be any use anyway? What's the purpose of doing this while many people don't even support you?"
were the questions that constantly came into my mind.

I opened my eyes, I saw people I care for compromise with their sins, that they told me that they wouldn't want to actually.
I opened my social medias, I got hot because of their posts (which is why I fasted from some of my medias for months).
I typed something and it hurt people (they said), is my short message that menacing or people are just getting further away from the truth and has trapped in their own compromise?

Ironically, I was worried of typing or saying even anything because of this fear.
I researched on Dale Partridge's blog, Ray Comfort's , and even Pastor Steven's to find out how they respond to such oppositions.
Still, it's scary how negative people can be towards these people.

2. What will I become?
I guess, because my last semester is coming, I asked this frequently.
I've mentioned about this struggle from academic side, but in fact, I'm experiencing in my aspects, including spiritual aspect.

After I 'graduate' from FGCC, what church will I join? What kind of church? What area of ministry? Will I be able to serve like how I serve in FGCC in China?
to the question such as:
Will I be able to play futsal in same or higher level?

I'm starting to see that I have kind of settled down in FGCC, in Malaysia. With all my achievement (I know they are not that great actually, but still they are not instant), how am I going to "level up" in another place?

Simply put, I indirectly questioned about God's ability to put all things together for my good.
This took me days before I realized it.
During my flight to Jakarta, Spirit of God spoke to me in while I was thinking all these lesser priority stuffs, "Why are you making it sound as if you are going to face your life all alone?"

I worried whether or not I would serve God again in leading worship at my church (wherever it is), I worried whether or not I would have the chance to learn to be a preacher, I worried whether or not my style of preaching is acceptable at that church, I worried and I worried that I forgot the One who had called me here.

I thank God for people that helped me to see from different perspectives regarding this "next church" matter, Ricky Hadap, kak Tama n ci Yuyu, Jansen Karim, Brian Adam and Hao2. You guys might not realize it, but your simple messages were really helping me in the time of doubts.

I asked myself, "does it really matter if I would serve like how I expected to be? Doesn't what matter most is that I do whatever God calls me to do?"
Ps. Philip Mantofa said in his sermon "God is not done with you yet".
So why... are you worried, Indra?

For my number one question, I rewatched Ps. Steven Furtick's "Don't Stop On 6" Hillsong Conference 2014 version (love you Pastor Steve, thanks) and was reminded of how obedience is in our department and outcome is in God's, I remembered how Pastor Steven emphasized on standing strong even when nobody supported him or when many people seemed to turn against him even when he did what God told him to do.
Why... are you scared?

I wrote in my previous post of how some things do not make sense even until now.
Again, as if God asked me "if you were given a chance to go back to the past, would you do the same thing?"
Oh yeah, sure, I'd do it again because I know who had called me to do so.
Even if I'm feeling like crap because of that,
even if I'm constantly in doubt because everything doesn't seem to make any sense,
even if I had been disrespectful to God because I experienced what wasn't caused by what I did.
I would do it, again, because God told me to.

I asked myself, "isn't this resolution enough for you to believe God's heart when you can't see His hands?"
I once asked "how to have an 'even if' relationship with God when God had given His love before we even started to love Him?"
and God had led me to have this story where I need to keep my faith, to love God EVEN IF what God's doing doesn't seem to make any sense.

Will you still love God even if He disappoints your expectations?

I love this quote, so I'mma write it again:
“When I realize that everything that is happening to me, is to make me more Christ-like it solves a great deal of anxiety.”- A.W. Tozer

A Not-So-Short Random Post

I think it's a good time to write a totally random post, so here I am.

Soon after finishing my exam, I and my friends were busy organising my mentors' (Kak Tama Pakpahan - Ci Yuriko Kesuma) wedding celebration.

I thank people who still participated in the committee in spite of their exam preparation period, y'all are such a great help.

Thank you Katam and Ciyu for giving me the privilege!

(this might be my first and last time for being an EO for a wedding celebration, seriously)

Having accomplished my tasks, I finally had free time to meet with my another mentor, Kak Dicky Sudrajad. I love how God works in their family, especially him, as the leader. He is the one who introduced me to apologetics ministry and it's just so awesome to know that the same vision is there, even though God had called us to serve in His different fields for a moment.

I told him about my vision, future plans (career and study) for my last (next) semester and even for the next 5-10 years. He helped me in focusing my vision according to what we trust as my calling, and even to the further topic, relationship.

Man, this is why I love talking to my mentors! 

Anywayy,

recently the feeling of anxiety was still lingering within me.

I still asked, "Why did I need to go through all those things? It did not make sense, and even now it still doesn't."

It's the same thing as what Christine Caine said, "Ask yourself this frequently: what is this here to teach me", the question appeared, however, with my own unnecessary anxieties.

On Sunday, 07/12/14, my Pastor, ko Eddy Chang ministered a message from Abraham and Lot in Genesis 13:1-13, of how Abraham was totally relaxed with how things developed between their two groups of many people, he gave his nephew the freedom to choose the best land (Lot did, as if he didn't consider his uncle's future), so Lot chose the hole Jordan Valley, meanwhile Abraham settled in the land of Canaan.

My pastor said:  That exact humility showed how Abraham placed his trust in God. We can see how God blessed him afterwards.

You see, from what I read, Lot did not desire the land of Canaan, he desired somewhere he thought better (well-watered like the garden of the LORD), the Jordan Valley. Abraham, on the other hands, was like "well, if you go there, I'll stay here, anything for you, my beloved nephew."

Funny thing is that the land that Abraham chose to stay at (like randomly), the land that did not fascinate Lot's eyes, would be the Promised Land for the Israelites. Yes, THE Promised Land that was described as "the land flowing with milk and honey" hundreds of years later.

The presence of God changes everything.

I asked myself: do you still trust God even when He has led you to this dry land? Trust that He will bless the land He has brought me to?

Obedience is all that matters. Obedience is the proof that you love God.

Everyone can claim they love God, but the difference is in their obedience.

The finishing blow for my anxieties was actually something I had read (and even saved on my note) previously. When I was ready to face my fears and hurts (I sorta ran away from some hurtful things, I admit) and desperately asked God "What do You want to teach me?", I started to see the things I need to learn and pick up along my journey, God-like characters and lifestyles.

Joseph did not do anything wrong, but his brothers hated him nevertheless. 

If I were Joseph, at this point I would say that my only mistake was tell my God's vision to my brothers and started to despise myself for that while working in the prison.

David served Saul with his talents sincerely but Saul envied and started the man hunt. 

If I were David, I might question if God really called me to serve Him this way.

Luckily I have the chance to learn from them, not the other way round.

“When I realize that everything that is happening to me, is to make me more Christ-like it solves a great deal of anxiety.”- A.W. Tozer

Yesterday, Elevation released their weekly sermon (still in Surround series, if you wonder) called Let's Bring It Full Circle. I watched the preview, Pastor Steven said:

God says, "I don't measure the size of the circle, I measure the size of the sacrifice that the circle represents."

and all the things that came up together made me decide to write this post.