When God Disappoints You

I posted on my Instagram, saying that I'd read "Greater" 3 times.

In 2014, I felt so related with people whom Pastor Steven mentioned in the book.
I started by saying "I didn't want this" and then ended up joining the club.

Club of people with "wasted faith".

I was an idealist, I came up with my own "formula" of how God works or would work and if something doesn't happen, you need to fix the mistakes, they aren't on God for sure. 

It happened to me and guess what, I spent months living in the accusations I directed towards myself (and devil conveniently joined the party). 

Many Christians believe what I believed and they still do.

But as I grew up, I met an end of this belief system.

No matter how spiritual you are, there are things you will not understand.

This fact left me at a loss for words, that God does not reveal EVERYTHING to you.

I believe that's what makes God (not us) God and us to have more compassion rather than callousness by judging people.

If you are following God and you feel out of place, you are not alone.

Hope you receive something through message excerpted from "Greater" below:

...

Sometimes people hear from God, or think they hear from God, and they burn their plows. Or they dig their ditches. Or they pour the one jar of oil. And instead of being given beauty for ashes, they are given ashes for ashes. All they seem to get for burning their plows is the smell of smoke in their clothes. All they seem to get for digging ditches is muscle spasms for weeks to come. And pouring out their little bit of oil doesn't fill more vessels but only wastes what precious oil they had to begin with.

When God asks for something and you don't get anything back, it can feel like sacrifice. Or it can feel like you just got robbed.

I know a guy who felt certain God had called him to fulltime vocational ministry, so he quit his comfortable job in the music business. He wasn't chasing fame and fortune. His heart was as pure as it could have been. But his decision cost his family dearly and created tension between him and his wife. After years of languishing, long after burning every plow he ever had, he went back to his former business, embarrassed and unrewarded. He had to provide for his family.
One of my closest friends in ministry and his wife have been married many years without children. For years they longed for kids, but finally they came to feel at peace with the idea of never having any. Their lives have been rich and fulfilling, populated with many spiritual sons and daughters. They were content with the apparent fact that biological parenthood was not God's route for them—until people all around them began to share words of alleged prophecy from God about the child they would bear. Sincere women regularly accost my friend's wife, asking if she is okay with not having kids. Some who barely know her ask if she has physical issues that keep her from having children. As their family, or lack thereof, has become a regular topic for everyone from parishioners to visiting preachers, they say it's getting hard to be okay with it anymore. And still there is no child.

I could share hundreds of heartbreaking stories about unfulfilled desires in the lives of believers. When you're a pastor, you wade waist deep in them every day. But some stories hit closer to home than others. And whether you can relate to their specific struggle or not, I think you'll find something to relate to in the story of the Bishops.

....

 - See more at 99.5 KKLA



"Everyone experiences what seem to be unanswered prayers. But in God's economy, no one's faith is ever wasted.
God is working on our behalf even when our prayers don't seem to be working at all. Maybe one day we’ll see that the greatest setbacks in our lives were actually the greatest setups to seeing God’s glory in places we didn’t even know to look"
- Steven Furtick

Choose to be Real

Being real is difficult, it is... but it is worth the effort.

It irritates me to see people sugar-coat this and that, be it a normal posting and sharing on my social medias, sermons, decision making process, conversations to daily behaviour. Forgive me if I sound to be intolerant, this is what has disturbed me for years.
I can understand imperfection, be tolerant to incompetency, lenient to weaknesses as I believe we all included have issues on this matter.
But to be authentic is totally up to us.

The thing is, people is real, the struggles are real, problems are real, joyful times are real and painful times are real. To overlook and dismiss them through brief conclusion is purely arrogant. No matter how you think the people should be thinking, the fact that each of us have problems is real.
How about starting by being real?
I mean, you can enjoy your joyful times, share your happiness with people, admit your wrongdoings, mistakes and weaknesses and EVEN enjoy your imperfection with people you love... OR you can choose to show the world or your closest pals as if you always hold everything together. Showing your cliche or shallow set-of-sentence just doesn't work out for me, nope, especially IF you are a person who brings certain impact to your community.

I agree on what Pastor Steven said - when he was about to release "Crash the Chatterbox"- about his passion to bring out authentic messages that sometimes might show his visible weaknesses, messages without plastic.

In my opinion, sugar-coating is sweet, way too sweet that it ruins the original taste.
Don't you know that every matter has their own original core of issue?
When you try to water it down without settling the real issue, you're just making it blurry. The problem seems to disappear and yet it's still there, you just dissolve it with other things only to find it even harder to be answered.

I take authenticity seriously (I know I'm in China and some of my belongings were "made in China" #iykwim), but when it comes to your life, there's is no option.
Whether you are being real or you are not.

I know I'm in no place to judge between authentic and non-authentic people, but I prefer to have my space from some people. I may be right, I may be wrong to do this, but doing some things just doesn't cause peace to me, thus I choose not to.

I have the whole several months of being separated from to ponder on this and in the end, I have decided which side I'd be standing on my whole life,
and I choose to be real.

Working on Mysteries

This semester welcomed me with unexpected developments in some areas of my life, especially in our ministry. We had braced ourselves for the coming waves, some things are within our preparations, but it does not change the facts that they are still tough to handle at times.

For a starter, many people inquire which side I am on in terms of theology. I admit that this is not my strong point, even when I'm trying to learn it by myself (yes, I mean with the guidance of Holy Ghost, if you will).
I remembered things that were asked previously when I was in Malaysia, such as "how far do you know about eschatology? Predestination?" or "Are you Calvinist, Arminian, or are you the type of people who try to mix em?"
An "I don't know, I only want to follow Jesus" just doesn't satisfy these people.

Recently I was even asked "implicitly" to check whether I'm a continuationist and if I am, we'll discuss how unbiblical it is to be one. I really did not know how to properly respond to it.
Well, I haven't changed my direction in terms of my own reading/watching and learning reference (while I did expand my range in learning to a wider scope), like: Answers in Genesis, Desiring God, Elevation Church, JPCC, Hillsong, LifeChurch, Saddleback Church.
Does it mean I have all the answers to reply people who ask?
By no means I have it all together, in spite of my efforts to study the Bible since I was a kid, my responses more or less still consist of "I don't know".

I guess I'll stop talking about this...
I still think that I'm still exploring and searching for a proper guideline to lead youth. Even when I give my best while looking for the answers, I still don't know many things.
For instance, in order to be a youth leader, what to and what not to do? What to have and what not to have? We're going back to the vision and mission to the community we're planted in, but is what I-think-relevant-and-supporting-the-vision going to create the fulfillment of the vision or become a stumbling block instead? What about when we try to build unity in the team and yet some people consciously withdraw themselves from us? Is this method effective? What if it doesn't work?  How to be a better leader for this community?
....
It came down to the fact that I don't really know the full answer to those questions that I asked to myself, because nowadays, the problems and struggles among young people vary with even more complicated level compared to the former period.

However,
I believe the struggle of looking for appropriate actions to tackle different problems 对症下药 belongs to many leaders, the great ones are not even excluded.
This struggle, this glitch is what keeps them to be better leader.
All great people in the Bible had this kind of glitch, the one God used, the one that helped them to be who God wanted them to be.

At this moment, I find it difficult to live with these glitches. I ask for help from people and still, many questions are left unanswered. I wonder if these unanswered questions of mine indicate that God will open my perspective in ways I'd never seen.
What if my "I don't know" will bring me to a deeper revelation when I'm being more and more focused to learn what God wants to teach me?

So, I'm living the motto my alma mater is well known for saying, Ancora Imparo - I'm still learning. I'm still learning to be a better person than me yesterday, still learning to be a better leader, better servant of God, better in terms of spirituality, character and actions.
I asked myself "still learning? What for? Will it suffice? Until when?" to which I then replied
"I don't know....
but God knows"

I'm working on mysteries

Between Two Worlds

"Don't go to that kind of church!"

"What kind of?"

Many people I meet often ask me about the church I attend/attended to, I think it's fair.
I also receive questions, especially when they try to reconcile the different denominations of churches we have.

Still fair though, different background and upbringing results in different types of perspective.

Yet, I found some of them sighed slightly after hearing my answer and tried to suggest as if I'd made a mistake in choosing churches.

I respect these people, I truly do, and yet somehow I felt that I came to a better understanding of what Pastor Steven experienced when the pastor he "learnt from" back then in seminary called him "Unqualified".

I kinda remembered that one day, a person I love did an almost similar thing, what he told me implicitly was something like, "let's talk about this person's bad habit. You know, it's for evaluation for us to be better person". 

I appreciate the thought of getting things right, to learn from someone else's wrong decisions, so that we can be a better person, but as I love THAT PERSON as well, I was hurt whenever this conversation took place.

As you might've heard, I went to several hand-clapper kind of church, was planted in one at a time and grew spiritually and mentally through the process God's entrusted to that community.

They shaped me to be who I am now.
Are they perfect?
No.
Are they the most complete church in the world?
No.

I admit, WE (not they) DO have weaknesses... 

Many times I argued with people who have this mindset about the always-loving-and-will-never-get-angry and loving-the-sinner-without-rebuking-the-sin Jesus.

I thought (and often asked them): "what kind of theology is that?", "who taught you that?", "which version of the Bible have you read?"

Because in my Bible, Jesus got angry as well...

Jesus loves you but He also asks you to carry the cross.

The purpose of creation and salvation is not about you, it's about God's glory.

The true faith we often mention ought to be : A faith that BOLDLY asks God for the impossible and yet still trusts Him whatever happens.

Especially, I always have a hard time when people picking this verse and that verse only to support their ideas. You need to read THAT verse altogether with its WHOLE passage, y'all...

By the way, against all myths you'd heard, I consulted this issue to my pastors and received a good response. Thus we made improvement and became more alert to this issue, like how we address many different issues happening within the church.

Nevertheless, as much as I find this kind of struggle in this one denomination of church, I find the same thing within churches from other denomination. 

You copy? This IS NOT a struggle that is experienced by one or two churches because of their beliefs, this is many churches' problem regardless their denomination.

That's why we need Holy Spirit and sound doctrine of the Bible to bring us to true revelation about who Jesus really is.

Sound doctrine is a must for every church, otherwise they are not teaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ, in spite of all the worshipping sessions, workshops or sermons they have.

"Worshipping God is only valid if we do it this style" is something I felt they tried to tell me additionally. 

I'm sorry, but as I learn the Bible, I also learn about the way King David worships God.

How people enjoy worshipping God, how they enjoy learning Jesus' teaching, how they enjoy spending time at Jesus' feet.

People with "intimacy" approach should learn how to properly pay a respect to KING Jesus, as well as those with "grand worship" should learn to be intimate with God as a Father. Again, I believe there's nothing wrong with these styles, when the sound doctrine of Jesus Christ is being taught at church and applied in the congregation's life.

I also find it hard to believe to say that God doesn't speak to us anymore, because some people, even pastors for instance are often found to say that "God called me to be a full-timer", "God wants us to serve here", or something like that. 

If you really give a thought about it, you WILL NEVER find a person named Indra in the Bible, man... 

So, what does that make me? A person excluded from God's equation of His purpose-revealing roles?

Don't get me wrong, I believe that the Bible is the ultimate, obvious, and solid Word of God. Anything contradicts it, doesn't come from God, full stop. 

Therefore, what you perceive as "God's voice" will never contradict the Bible.

I hope, at this point, you have known that you really need to read your Bible.

Before joining ANY church, you need to test their teachings, whether or not they align with the Bible.

However, I also believe that the Word of God is living and active, it is still relevant even until now. Furthermore, through Word of God as our lens, God can bring everything around us to confirm His message for us.

I pray that we can identify and understand more about what we have believed and what other people have. I'm personally still learning from many sources, really, I am, until now.

Well, I'm not saying that there are no such things as false teaching, false teachers, false prophets and stuffs, the Bible is clear about this, I'm saying that too often people categorize churches from different denomination into this same category of satanism.

Perhaps we are not lost as you'd thought we were... 

Perhaps without your realizing, we'd also been in the house of our Father all this time.

We are far from perfect, there are many rooms for improvement, and surely we do mistakes, thus don't stop growing and learning about God's truth. But at the same time, please love each other through your supports, warnings and constructive feedbacks.

More Than Enough

Pastor Steve's message, "sometimes in order to be victorious, you need to be willing to do something that looks ridiculous", kept resounding in my head for quite a while.

What kind of victory does God actually want us to achieve? Especially that requires us to look ridiculous.
The fact is, sometimes you know, sometimes you don't
One thing for sure, God always knows

So the question is, without having a clear grasp of this "victory", are you still willing- to look ridiculous- for God's sake?
I can handle the stress of keeping on IF I can see the purpose, but without the reason or the purpose, to constantly remind myself about, I just can't.

That's what I thought.

When God Doesn't Make Sense
In the past years, every single time I surrendered my will to be in sync with God's, I felt as if God then led me to some random-unknown-and-unpreferred paths to walk.

I wrote this before, but what I didn't write was that:
There were times- even until recently- I kept running away from God just because of this.

It is a simple matter, maybe something like God asked me to pray for certain things, to wait on Him, and be still.

While for other aspects my pastors and mentors affirmed my availability in serving God, I know deep within, I'm not wholly available for God.

Well, not on this matter.

Until the beginning of this year, I decided to respect God as how He deserves, especially as my King.
Truth be told, as a King, He doesn't need to consult with me about what He wants me to do, He speaks and I am to obey. 

So how dare I show such insolent attitude by refusing to pray for what He wants me to pray?

I braced myself to face what God wants me to do, again.
As I had expected, it was still painful, it was still confusing and sometimes I still thought "I had better skipped this request, I was so fine before this"
Although...
There was one difference, I did not lose my faith as I had done years ago.

I'm secure in my identity in Jesus, I guess God used my last experience to teach me really well.


My Grace is Sufficient
I, then asked God one more time, "What is the real message hidden in the midst of this unexplainable process? Maybe I had missed it out the first and second time, created stories and endings as how I (not He) saw fit. But not this time, I'm letting You write Your story in my life. Here I am, Lord, I'mma find it to understand what You want to teach me."

I got to the bottom of my frustration to look for it,
go through the same painful thing, again, to see what God wants me to learn,
be still in His presence right in the face of the storms and raging sea,
until I finally came to know Him as an El-Shaddai, not only God Almighty but also The All-Sufficient God, God that is more than enough.

Apostle Paul experienced worse than I (we ever) do, he pleaded to God three (different) times, yet instead of granting His trusted servant's request, God let it be and said "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor 12:9)

Why so cold, God?
I believe it's really not hard for God to do as what Paul asked, after all it might boost Paul's performance so he would be able to work more efficiently, don't you think?

Pastor Craig Groeschel mentioned "The meaning of Charis (undeserved favor, grace) is: God freely extends Himself, leaning and reaching to us because He is disposed to bless and be near to us. He wants to say, "I'm here for you! I'm not gonna answer this one (Paul's prayer), because this time it's Me all you need.""

He concluded:
1. True prayer isn't about getting our way, but surrendering our will

2. Prayer reminds us that we're not in control and keeps us close to the One who is

3. Prayer isn't just asking, but trusting

I believe that is the true meaning of "God that is more than enough", El-Shaddai means the All-Sufficient God, He will indeed supply and provide all we need, I get that, but what if it means God Himself is more than enough, even without His blessings, without His provision, but His presence? Even if He doesn't answer your prayer as you have dearly prayed for?  Even if He does nothing to your situation, will you still believe that God is ALL you need every moment of your life?

When my soul was embittered,

when I was pricked in heart,

I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.

Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.

- Psalm 73:21-23

Maybe this is it.

Maybe this is what God had been trying to convey to me.

Maybe this is what I did not see when I was running away.

Even when my soul was embittered, even when I was pricked in heart,

I should open my own heart to see, I am CONTINUALLY with Him,

as He holds my right hand.

He wants- even when you don't understand anything, even when it's hurting you here and there, even when it is open-ended, even when you had pleaded to God to take it away countless times and yet He did nothing about it, especially when God doesn't make sense- you confide in and depend on Him as the God who is more than enough.

Confident in God's Purpose

It took me 3 years, through my deepest valley, to experience myself this meaning of El-Shaddai, and this way, He showed Himself faithful to me, along with His sustaining power, peace and presence.
It's not like I had not met some different situations that brought me to my knees, but from this process, I had a chance to go up to a higher level of revelation in my journey with God.

I admit, before recently, my obedience is not unconditional.
(I mean, "if I do this, God please fill my drawer in heaven with my favorite Jordan shoes."
Okay, just kidding)

For one or two thing, I have my own conditions.

What I hoped "I do my obedience, God, please do Your outcome. It isn't necessarily the outcome I once thought it should be, but after all these years, please God, outcome."

The thing is, although He has the power to do anything and everything, He did nothing.

Oh, I think it's normal and totally understandable to have these conditions, but it's just not what God wants.

Unconditional obedience while knowing He alone, is more than enough is the IT I've been looking for.

If anything, I'm taking this process as my another season of pruning.

What if after all these stuffs I had gone through, God suddenly asked me to change direction, to pray for something or someone else?

I don't know, but I'mma still fully obey,

His purpose never fails

What strengthens me this year, is that I have the privilege to see God's purpose being revealed in my life. I should have told the 3 years ago me (and the future me) that,
"Not only obedience, but your obedience AND God's time will position yourself to receive God's purpose. Don't you be impatient to understand God's purpose. Surrender your will and trade it for God's, because in His time, He will show to you as long as you obey. So, hello from the other side!"

I do still care about the outcome, what is God's will for my life, and stuffs, it's just that I admit those things are never in my department to begin with. 

Obedience, is the one within mine.

Additionally, as long as I can see I'm walking with God while He's pruning me according to His purpose, I'm content.

Pastor Steve said:
"The key to persevering through a season of pruning is remaining CONFIDENT in God’s PURPOSE."

I delight in my persecutions, because I trust in God's presence,

I trust that God knows what's best for me,

and that Jesus is all I need.

And, hey! This is only the first month of 2016 and I can feel God's moving tremendously!

What has been my stumbling blocks all this time will become my stepping stones,

I'm coming out with something!

I'm over it!