Has it ever occured to you?
A period of wilderness in your life.
You walk and keep on walking, yet you don't know if you'll ever get out from it.
You hold on for so long, long enough that you start wondering why you are even here.
You pray, but it doesn't seem to change anything, neither you, nor the situation.
I don't know if you have experienced it,
some older people might say they've gone through it..
... the feeling when you lost your will to live, what's the purpose of continuing it.
I know I haven't lived long enough, and that's even scarier,
that I thought of things like this pretty early.
You often hear that the wilderness is not permanent, and you know that it's to prepare young generation of Israelites for God's promises for them.
Still, if nothing has ever happened since your first prayer here, you're goin to start to believe that it might not be preparing you for something better, you think that it's the fact of how you're gonna spend the rest of your life, that it's PERMANENT.
A life full of fights, accusations, misunderstandings, heartbreaking realities.
Oh, well, you might've tried to explain what God's called you to do to some people, and still can't be understood. And the truth is, the more you're trying, often the more you're talking yourself out of what God really wants.
You tried, and the voices and winds of accusations are getting even stronger instead.
And then, not only you lose the vision of why exactly you are doing what you are doing, but you don't understand what's on earth you have been doing ALL THIS TIME and what's left from God's promises for you, or or... what are actually the promises given to you? Did you actually hear any?
You know, this ain't a really happy state of mind or life.
You have lost the sharp edge of your life,
lost your passion,
lost your sight of God most of the time, no matter how hard you pray.
Even worse, you feel beaten up every time you wake up by the voices of chatterbox.
You prayed 'Sun Stand Still' prayers, yet the sun goes down.
You told yourself "just because your progress isn't obvious, it doesn't mean your faith is not working", and nothing worked.
You taught yourself "don't stop on 6", but your 7th day never comes.
2 years ago, I thought it was my last lap, nope
last year, I thought it was so, nay
this year, I can't even think of anything.
(I can't imagine the agony of walking in the wilderness for FORTY years, I'm like just about 1/5 way of it and feel like quitting many times)
Why, God?
I fight the battles You want me to, learn to do it in ways You love, and still I face great afflictions from the inside.
I once believed I was set apart for Your purpose, but now, it feels as if I'm set aside because of these set backs.
I don't mind walking extra miles anywhere You say, I know Your job scope often exceeds what I expect in the beginning, but I don't think I registered for these "extra courses" when I enrolled my life.
I'm okay with all those oppositions if they have purpose, but when will it stop hurting like it's hurting now? Is this a battle that's really worth fighting for? All those fights, all those sufferings, all those nights without sleep, all those prayers that seem unanswered.
For the very first time of my life, I waved a white flag to God.
That was when my Pastor prayed for me and mentioned about 'Second Wind',
to push myself one more time, as my finish line is drawing near, and it's really a shame to quit now.
With all my scepticism currently going on and on in my head, I thought,
"Pastor, that was what I told myself over and over again. So how can I believe that this time is going to be any different?"
But I didn't say that, I was afraid of missing something that God wanted to speak to me.
So I stayed silent.
If you asked me what's the purpose of this post...
Well I don't know, I'm looking for the answer too, for that question and for my questions about this journey.
Maybe, (just maybe, I don't know) God wants to teach me:
1. The true meaning of perseverance, no matter how high the tide's gonna be and how long it's gonna take, when you stand strong and believe in God, you will come out VICTORIOUS.
The Bible is full of people who stood strong even til the end.
2. The God's standardized that is often seen as hard (or harsh) preparations to prepare me for something God has prepared for me, so that I will be ready for greater blessings.
"Never doubt in the dark what God shows you in the light."
3. To fix my eyes on Jesus, "in every high and stormy gale my ANCHOR holds within the veil" that my faith won't be on what I'm doing but on what God's doing.
To show me that His promise is true no matter what, full stop.
4. To understand the true meaning of being set apart and anointed.
"To be anointed means to be singled out by God for special favours or responsibilities"
Last but not least, even the most important, it is.
5. To love the Lord my God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength and with all my mind.
For closing, I would like to write some things from the series Sticks and Stones by Pastor Steven Furtick:
I am anointed to accomplish my assignment
Just because I'm not visible doesn't mean I'm not valuable
It's the things that noone sees that produce the results that everyone wants - Craig Groeschel
I don't need a better assignment to have a greater anointing
I have nothing to prove and only One to please
Fix your eyes on Him and receive what only He can give
Showing posts with label Christ. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christ. Show all posts
Tuesday, 31 March 2015
Monday, 2 February 2015
Untitled
I love You, God, with all my heart, all my soul and all my life.
I love...
Every time You show up, just like that, and silence all my doubts and fears,
every time You teach me Your holy and perfect way,
every time You touch my heart and see me in my most vulnerable state.
I love...
The way You correct me and encourage me to get up over and over again,
the way You teach me how to love You and Your people,
the way You do miracles in Your time.
I'm learning...
To love You according to Your way, not mine,
to obey and trust in You in the wilderness,
to love all the seasons You lead me through
I love You, the righteous and faithful God.
Your law is my desire,
Your justice I long for,
Your mercy I need,
and Your love is greater than life itself.
"My hope secure, Your promise sure, Your love endures, always"
I love You for who You are
I love...
Every time You show up, just like that, and silence all my doubts and fears,
every time You teach me Your holy and perfect way,
every time You touch my heart and see me in my most vulnerable state.
I love...
The way You correct me and encourage me to get up over and over again,
the way You teach me how to love You and Your people,
the way You do miracles in Your time.
I'm learning...
To love You according to Your way, not mine,
to obey and trust in You in the wilderness,
to love all the seasons You lead me through
I love You, the righteous and faithful God.
Your law is my desire,
Your justice I long for,
Your mercy I need,
and Your love is greater than life itself.
"My hope secure, Your promise sure, Your love endures, always"
I love You for who You are
Saturday, 24 January 2015
22, Single, Greater
Hola everyone, it's been my usual tradition to post something after my birthday just to say, "yes it's been a week, and you might've missed it". I come from a family that doesn't celebrate birthdays much, so my birthday was pretty much the same as my normal days. (the last time my sister and I tried to organise a surprise birthday party for mom, it almost put me into an argument with dad *true story)
I've posted on my path, but...
I thank y'all for your words of encouragement, your thoughts and even for your gifts that soon to be delivered *muahahaha (assuming they were sincere).
I don't know why I thanked you sarcastically, but maybe it's because now I'm in Palembang right now
The lead Pastor, ko Maxi Eduard Lonta, who spoke as that day's preacher ministered a really anti-mainstream message of Jesus Christ.
Rather than speaking the typical 'heart-warming' message of Christmas, he spoke the message of repentance continued with the message of salvation through Jesus Christ.
I saw this preacher got so fired up and shared the gospel, so I was like "preach on, pastor" almost all the time. I can say one thing for sure, this guy preached what God put in his heart.
I said, "I want to see how God uses this church, which is pastored by someone brave enough to speak out the message of repentance boldly" and I pray for it, I really do.
I'm grateful to meet someone who isn't sugar-coating the Word of God at my community.
This opportunity is really helping me to keep holding onto what I believe, as well as to find my own greater calling.
Currently I withdrew myself from my social medias (I'm still using some though, ain't gonna be a shut-in), which resulted me to have more self-control, more time for other useful activities, and even enabled me to reach serenity in living my life, HA!
But seriously, because I check on my news feed less, I become more spiritually and mentally fit when meeting my friends or having a one-on-one session. I think, being absorbed too much into these medias will only cause us to lose our Spirit-driven self control.
Especially when I was struggling in deciding my future career. If I were given a chance to do anything (without any consideration, it is), I would like to answer: "a pastor" or "a preacher".
Coming near to the end of my study in Malaysia, I struggled even harder.
My dad is a businessman and I'm the first child in my family.
It means my parents kinda have an expectation on me to own a business.
After months of praying, finally in January, I let go of my own ego.
Ego, you said?
Yes, because as I said, me being a pastor (in my own version) is egoistic.
Only right after I said to God, "If there is something I learn by not running away from what my parents told me, so be it, God", I saw where God wants to lead me to.
What if there is strength that I need to embrace along my journey?
What if there is a specific advantage God wants me to have by following this plan?
What if God's plan A is something I always refused to even consider?
I was reminded greatly, especially by GMS's fasting movement with the tagline "humility comes before honor".
"Humble yourself, Indra", I told myself.
I'm finding out God's purpose for my life in more specific ways and I would like to write a post about it when it becomes clearer.
Then I started 2015 with a unique circumstance, where we 'celebrated' our New Year in SGH Hospital, as my twin sister collapsed due to partying too much *yea right
We love this girl so much, to the extent that one of us wore a Stitch costume for her.
 |
| Jadi ceritanya gua ga ke Batam sendirian. Anyway, muka Bri sangat menghibur di sini. |
 |
| Mission Accomplished ya kawan2 :D |
 |
| Hate me as you want, I'm posting it anyway. Wellney 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that a brother put on a Stitch onesie for his sister |
Entering the age of 22, I felt like thanking Vedo Irawan for the first Leonis FC jersey he gave to me last year. Same number, eh?
Thank You, Jesus for my 22 years.
I know I've made the best possible choice to believe in You and trust You with my whole life.
One of the most often wishes I got recently was "cepet dapet jodoh ya" while I'm like "nah, not so soon, dude" hahaha.
Not that I don't support the gift of marriage, really, I'm all in for a godly marriage, but I don't agree with how most of us see the gift of singleness.
Truth be told, single is underrated.
There is this trend, or pattern, occur among us to treat singleness as a disability - an incomplete state of life - or even a problem.
"I'm just joking about it"
Okay, it's cool
But doesn't it still treat the gift of singleness wrongly?
It affects our perspective about singleness, much.
1 Corinthians 7:25-27 (ESV)
25 Now concerning the betrothed, I have no command from the Lord, but I give my judgment as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy.
26 I think that in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is.
27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife.
Does it sound like Apostle Paul was against the idea of marriage?
Nah, verse 28,
28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that.
So...
It's good with your dream of marrying someone, but don't you know that it's good that you are single too?
Many things have happened to me, but I remain the same on my standpoint about this matter.
I may not be a suitable person to talk about relationships, marriages and stuffs, but let me talk from my own experience in the efforts of setting myself apart for God: Singleness is not a disease. Singleness is gold.
(you may see my 22 years without having dated anyone as my advantage or my disadvantage, your call)
I may not be a suitable person to talk about relationships, marriages and stuffs, but let me talk from my own experience in the efforts of setting myself apart for God: Singleness is not a disease. Singleness is gold.
(you may see my 22 years without having dated anyone as my advantage or my disadvantage, your call)
Greater life doesn't occur only when "two become one", there is greater purpose when "one stays as one" as well.
When we say "Christ is enough", then in ALL seasons in our life, He never ceases to be enough, whether you are single or married.
Isn't it the best choice you've ever made to stay single rather than to marry wrong person?
The Bible said it best:
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife - Proverbs 25:24
But y'know what? Rather than marrying wrong person, it is worse to be a wrong person to get married to.
So don't be that kind of person, period.
Become someone whom you want to marry wants to marry.
I know this ain't gonna eliminate your question "when" or "who".
Having this kind of faith - that trusts what God speaks about singleness - won't make all your questions go away.
I believe that faith is not eliminating all the questions that might come up, it is trusting your questions to Someone with the highest authority.
So even if there were times I asked "oh really, God?", I ain't rushing, no matter how many people that came and told me to do so (true story). Instead, I'm kind of able to figure out how my older friends feel during this situation.
To remain sanctified, complete in God's love and pure before God, should be our main concern.
To remain sanctified, complete in God's love and pure before God, should be our main concern.
I don't want to skip my current season, I'm embracing my season!
Ecclesiastes 3:1
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
Wednesday, 24 December 2014
Even If
December is not my favourite month, I think, yet it might symbolically represent the "month of completion" for me as much as January represent the "month of new beginning" (okay, it's just me)
I and my sister felt so happy to come home (it's such a rare occurence, y'know).
I'd finished my exams, completed my projects for the semester (FYP 1, Katam-Ciyu's Wedding, FGCC Sunday Services) and even delegated my tasks and vision-mission to my successors in Fresh Ministry: Jansen and Claudys.
Basically, I had accomplished almost all of my works in Malaysia, so I guess that's why I was really looking forward to this holiday period.
I had made this to-do list that I would do during holiday, some are doable, some are prayable, and the others are laughable:
1. Learn how to play guitar (oke, gitar si dedek ketuker sama gitar Deo, n lagi stay di Jakarta)
2. Finish the books that I brought: Blink (Malcolm Gladwell), Limitless (Nick Vujicic), Lead Like Jesus (Ken Blanchard and Phil Hodges)
3. Do some futsal coaching (dannn... temen2 gua sudah jarang maen futsal ya)
4. Get enough sleep (biar makin tinggi, tapi kayaknya ini tinggal angan2)
5. Come up with Fresh Ministry hoodie design
6. Understand and play with the Arduino language for the further development of my Final Year Project next semester
7. Gain some weight (pffft)
These activities were postponed somehow, as we went to Jakarta two days after I and my sisters arrived in Palembang for my dad's reunion and my friend's wedding (at where I received the weirdest question of all possible questions for me, "kapan nyusul, dra?" Gua next year baru 22 taun, saudara2)
Back to December, sorry I got a bit lost just now.
For me personally, I would like to call it as the month of transition.
As next semester will be my last semester in Monash, I've started planning what I'm going to do right after I graduate. I listed some possible options, consulted with my parents, mentors and close friends, and finally came up with a particular solution.
Nevertheless, the sense of worries and doubts started crippling.
I;mma tell you why.
1. What's the purpose, God?
Ever since I was born again (can't remember when to be exact), I prayed that I would live a Spirit-led life. Giving my best, serving God and the people while praying the same.
Yet in this last year of study, after all these things, I think, I barely see any progress.
There are some people grow up as what I ministered from God to them, this blesses me a lot, but many don't.
It's not "many" like legion or something like that, but the numbers are just devastating and even discouraging for me to keep on keeping on.
This brought me to ask God again "Did You really call me? Did You really call me to do this? I ain't hearing wrongly, am I?"
In the past several months, I'd been crashing this chatterbox over and over again (referring to Steven Furtick's latest book) while serving God.
"Will it be any use anyway? What's the purpose of doing this while many people don't even support you?"
were the questions that constantly came into my mind.
I opened my eyes, I saw people I care for compromise with their sins, that they told me that they wouldn't want to actually.
I opened my social medias, I got hot because of their posts (which is why I fasted from some of my medias for months).
I typed something and it hurt people (they said), is my short message that menacing or people are just getting further away from the truth and has trapped in their own compromise?
Ironically, I was worried of typing or saying even anything because of this fear.
I researched on Dale Partridge's blog, Ray Comfort's , and even Pastor Steven's to find out how they respond to such oppositions.
Still, it's scary how negative people can be towards these people.
2. What will I become?
I guess, because my last semester is coming, I asked this frequently.
I've mentioned about this struggle from academic side, but in fact, I'm experiencing in my aspects, including spiritual aspect.
After I 'graduate' from FGCC, what church will I join? What kind of church? What area of ministry? Will I be able to serve like how I serve in FGCC in China?
to the question such as:
Will I be able to play futsal in same or higher level?
I'm starting to see that I have kind of settled down in FGCC, in Malaysia. With all my achievement (I know they are not that great actually, but still they are not instant), how am I going to "level up" in another place?
Simply put, I indirectly questioned about God's ability to put all things together for my good.
This took me days before I realized it.
During my flight to Jakarta, Spirit of God spoke to me in while I was thinking all these lesser priority stuffs, "Why are you making it sound as if you are going to face your life all alone?"
I worried whether or not I would serve God again in leading worship at my church (wherever it is), I worried whether or not I would have the chance to learn to be a preacher, I worried whether or not my style of preaching is acceptable at that church, I worried and I worried that I forgot the One who had called me here.
I thank God for people that helped me to see from different perspectives regarding this "next church" matter, Ricky Hadap, kak Tama n ci Yuyu, Jansen Karim, Brian Adam and Hao2. You guys might not realize it, but your simple messages were really helping me in the time of doubts.
I asked myself, "does it really matter if I would serve like how I expected to be? Doesn't what matter most is that I do whatever God calls me to do?"
Ps. Philip Mantofa said in his sermon "God is not done with you yet".
So why... are you worried, Indra?
For my number one question, I rewatched Ps. Steven Furtick's "Don't Stop On 6" Hillsong Conference 2014 version (love you Pastor Steve, thanks) and was reminded of how obedience is in our department and outcome is in God's, I remembered how Pastor Steven emphasized on standing strong even when nobody supported him or when many people seemed to turn against him even when he did what God told him to do.
Why... are you scared?
I wrote in my previous post of how some things do not make sense even until now.
Again, as if God asked me "if you were given a chance to go back to the past, would you do the same thing?"
Oh yeah, sure, I'd do it again because I know who had called me to do so.
Even if I'm feeling like crap because of that,
even if I'm constantly in doubt because everything doesn't seem to make any sense,
even if I had been disrespectful to God because I experienced what wasn't caused by what I did.
I would do it, again, because God told me to.
I asked myself, "isn't this resolution enough for you to believe God's heart when you can't see His hands?"
I once asked "how to have an 'even if' relationship with God when God had given His love before we even started to love Him?"
and God had led me to have this story where I need to keep my faith, to love God EVEN IF what God's doing doesn't seem to make any sense.
Will you still love God even if He disappoints your expectations?
I love this quote, so I'mma write it again:
“When I realize that everything that is happening to me, is to make me more Christ-like it solves a great deal of anxiety.”- A.W. Tozer
I and my sister felt so happy to come home (it's such a rare occurence, y'know).
I'd finished my exams, completed my projects for the semester (FYP 1, Katam-Ciyu's Wedding, FGCC Sunday Services) and even delegated my tasks and vision-mission to my successors in Fresh Ministry: Jansen and Claudys.
Basically, I had accomplished almost all of my works in Malaysia, so I guess that's why I was really looking forward to this holiday period.
I had made this to-do list that I would do during holiday, some are doable, some are prayable, and the others are laughable:
1. Learn how to play guitar (oke, gitar si dedek ketuker sama gitar Deo, n lagi stay di Jakarta)
2. Finish the books that I brought: Blink (Malcolm Gladwell), Limitless (Nick Vujicic), Lead Like Jesus (Ken Blanchard and Phil Hodges)
3. Do some futsal coaching (dannn... temen2 gua sudah jarang maen futsal ya)
4. Get enough sleep (biar makin tinggi, tapi kayaknya ini tinggal angan2)
5. Come up with Fresh Ministry hoodie design
6. Understand and play with the Arduino language for the further development of my Final Year Project next semester
7. Gain some weight (pffft)
These activities were postponed somehow, as we went to Jakarta two days after I and my sisters arrived in Palembang for my dad's reunion and my friend's wedding (at where I received the weirdest question of all possible questions for me, "kapan nyusul, dra?" Gua next year baru 22 taun, saudara2)
Back to December, sorry I got a bit lost just now.
For me personally, I would like to call it as the month of transition.
As next semester will be my last semester in Monash, I've started planning what I'm going to do right after I graduate. I listed some possible options, consulted with my parents, mentors and close friends, and finally came up with a particular solution.
Nevertheless, the sense of worries and doubts started crippling.
I;mma tell you why.
1. What's the purpose, God?
Ever since I was born again (can't remember when to be exact), I prayed that I would live a Spirit-led life. Giving my best, serving God and the people while praying the same.
Yet in this last year of study, after all these things, I think, I barely see any progress.
There are some people grow up as what I ministered from God to them, this blesses me a lot, but many don't.
It's not "many" like legion or something like that, but the numbers are just devastating and even discouraging for me to keep on keeping on.
This brought me to ask God again "Did You really call me? Did You really call me to do this? I ain't hearing wrongly, am I?"
In the past several months, I'd been crashing this chatterbox over and over again (referring to Steven Furtick's latest book) while serving God.
"Will it be any use anyway? What's the purpose of doing this while many people don't even support you?"
were the questions that constantly came into my mind.
I opened my eyes, I saw people I care for compromise with their sins, that they told me that they wouldn't want to actually.
I opened my social medias, I got hot because of their posts (which is why I fasted from some of my medias for months).
I typed something and it hurt people (they said), is my short message that menacing or people are just getting further away from the truth and has trapped in their own compromise?
Ironically, I was worried of typing or saying even anything because of this fear.
I researched on Dale Partridge's blog, Ray Comfort's , and even Pastor Steven's to find out how they respond to such oppositions.
Still, it's scary how negative people can be towards these people.
2. What will I become?
I guess, because my last semester is coming, I asked this frequently.
I've mentioned about this struggle from academic side, but in fact, I'm experiencing in my aspects, including spiritual aspect.
After I 'graduate' from FGCC, what church will I join? What kind of church? What area of ministry? Will I be able to serve like how I serve in FGCC in China?
to the question such as:
Will I be able to play futsal in same or higher level?
I'm starting to see that I have kind of settled down in FGCC, in Malaysia. With all my achievement (I know they are not that great actually, but still they are not instant), how am I going to "level up" in another place?
Simply put, I indirectly questioned about God's ability to put all things together for my good.
This took me days before I realized it.
During my flight to Jakarta, Spirit of God spoke to me in while I was thinking all these lesser priority stuffs, "Why are you making it sound as if you are going to face your life all alone?"
I worried whether or not I would serve God again in leading worship at my church (wherever it is), I worried whether or not I would have the chance to learn to be a preacher, I worried whether or not my style of preaching is acceptable at that church, I worried and I worried that I forgot the One who had called me here.
I thank God for people that helped me to see from different perspectives regarding this "next church" matter, Ricky Hadap, kak Tama n ci Yuyu, Jansen Karim, Brian Adam and Hao2. You guys might not realize it, but your simple messages were really helping me in the time of doubts.
I asked myself, "does it really matter if I would serve like how I expected to be? Doesn't what matter most is that I do whatever God calls me to do?"
Ps. Philip Mantofa said in his sermon "God is not done with you yet".
So why... are you worried, Indra?
For my number one question, I rewatched Ps. Steven Furtick's "Don't Stop On 6" Hillsong Conference 2014 version (love you Pastor Steve, thanks) and was reminded of how obedience is in our department and outcome is in God's, I remembered how Pastor Steven emphasized on standing strong even when nobody supported him or when many people seemed to turn against him even when he did what God told him to do.
Why... are you scared?
I wrote in my previous post of how some things do not make sense even until now.
Again, as if God asked me "if you were given a chance to go back to the past, would you do the same thing?"
Oh yeah, sure, I'd do it again because I know who had called me to do so.
Even if I'm feeling like crap because of that,
even if I'm constantly in doubt because everything doesn't seem to make any sense,
even if I had been disrespectful to God because I experienced what wasn't caused by what I did.
I would do it, again, because God told me to.
I asked myself, "isn't this resolution enough for you to believe God's heart when you can't see His hands?"
I once asked "how to have an 'even if' relationship with God when God had given His love before we even started to love Him?"
and God had led me to have this story where I need to keep my faith, to love God EVEN IF what God's doing doesn't seem to make any sense.
Will you still love God even if He disappoints your expectations?
I love this quote, so I'mma write it again:
“When I realize that everything that is happening to me, is to make me more Christ-like it solves a great deal of anxiety.”- A.W. Tozer
Friday, 1 August 2014
God is My Banner
What's up pals, I'm so sorry that I disappointed some of my friends' expectation which said "sering2 update blog nya ya".
I was like, "Well, I don't have any interesting story to share currently, and to look at it deeper, I only have 'Pages That Are Hard To Write' (courtesy of Juli Wilson). No blog writing for a while."
Today, when I checked out my blog, it's been 3 months since I posted something (only been 3 months or already been 3 month, depends on whether you are a pessimist or optimist, okay that's not my point anyway).
For the sake of the divine calling given to me (?) so that I can bless other people through my writing (actually so that my friends know my updates, that's it), I brought myself to sit down in front of a computer (Monash computer, because my house's wifi is down), simply: To write.
Short update:
I play futsal 2-3 times a week since I arrived back here in Malaysia.
I meet my friends to catch up, have a one-on-one conversation with one of my mentors, Ko Ed and was introduced to some new people.
I had some problems in allocating my timetable (as usual) but it is okay now.
Lastly, I'm still considering what project's topic I should choose for my Final Year Project.
Let's back up a little bit...
Last semester, I received this message loud and clear, a message that conquers all my fears and doubts, a strong promise from the LORD to stand with me as all the battles I'm currently facing is His, yes it is awesome... BUT (a small but, I might say) I often find it hard to relate this promise with my current situation.
The message is: Jehovah Nissi (if you notice, I put that on my bio and even my phone's lock screen)
I'm not going to have a biblical seminar here, yet I find that the source of this word is interesting (Bible is always interesting, thank you)
Exodus 17:15 Moses built an altar there and named it Yahweh-nissi (which means "the LORD is my banner").
My cellgroup mate, Pendy introduced me to a war manga called Kingdom (have heard that one? YOU SHOULD READ IT, mate), and because I have this unique (not weird) interest in something like ancient Chinese/Japanese kingdom, I enjoy reading it.
I read books (especially manga) about Romance of Three Kingdoms, Miyamoto Musashi, Sengoku Period etc.
I notice a significance in carrying a banner in a war:
1. The banner shows the identity of leader/general of the armies.
2. Carrying that banner means carrying the dignity and reputation of that general.
3. During the bout, if a troop successfully accomplish its mission, a war cry that praises the winning general will be shouted instantly. On the other hand, you can try to imagine how it feels to be the losing side.
MacLaren's commentary on Exodus 17:15:
I. First, realise for whose cause you fight.
II. The second of the exhortations which come from the altar and its name is, Remember whose commands you follow.
III. Lastly, the third lesson that these grey stones preach to us is, Recognise by whose power you conquer.
I felt like, this is so kewl (cool), that's what we are supposed to be doing as a Christian, living our life and showing that the Almight LORD is our banner.
Being a Christian doesn't mean we are perfect, it just means that we are forgiven, and even in our iniquities, the LORD is still our banner.
Isn't it great? Isn't it powerful? Come on!
As I looked back at my own life, I can see that God has been so good to me.
Nevertheless, many times I failed to understand His plan, I failed to notice His glory over me, I failed to find the reason of holding on to the words He had said to me, and even worse, I felt unloved and defeated during my war. I'm kinda afraid of hearing "come" from God again.
I know that my battle is His, but I can't see the victory of it, I can't feel or understand the reason of it, my battle is open ended.
This sounds like I'm contradicting my points, no I'm not.
I'm showing that even though I'm weak, He's strong.
Even though I'm faithless, He remains faithful.
I might forfeit everything but I will NEVER forfeit my Banner.
My current condition doesn't change the truth that God is still loving and powerful, on this alone I believe.
If any of you are fighting an open-ended battle (like me, maybe I'm crazy but I know I'm not the only one), this reading might be helpful:
Nicki Edwards' Pass Me The Matches
If you are tempted to run away from Him, quit your process or leave in the middle of your journey, remember Philippians 1:6
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
What I do is to say this over and over again until I fix my eyes on Him:
God is the purpose of my fighting
God is the glory of my struggling
God is the reason of my hope
God is my banner
I was like, "Well, I don't have any interesting story to share currently, and to look at it deeper, I only have 'Pages That Are Hard To Write' (courtesy of Juli Wilson). No blog writing for a while."
Today, when I checked out my blog, it's been 3 months since I posted something (only been 3 months or already been 3 month, depends on whether you are a pessimist or optimist, okay that's not my point anyway).
For the sake of the divine calling given to me (?) so that I can bless other people through my writing (actually so that my friends know my updates, that's it), I brought myself to sit down in front of a computer (Monash computer, because my house's wifi is down), simply: To write.
Short update:
I play futsal 2-3 times a week since I arrived back here in Malaysia.
I meet my friends to catch up, have a one-on-one conversation with one of my mentors, Ko Ed and was introduced to some new people.
I had some problems in allocating my timetable (as usual) but it is okay now.
Lastly, I'm still considering what project's topic I should choose for my Final Year Project.
Let's back up a little bit...
Last semester, I received this message loud and clear, a message that conquers all my fears and doubts, a strong promise from the LORD to stand with me as all the battles I'm currently facing is His, yes it is awesome... BUT (a small but, I might say) I often find it hard to relate this promise with my current situation.
The message is: Jehovah Nissi (if you notice, I put that on my bio and even my phone's lock screen)
I'm not going to have a biblical seminar here, yet I find that the source of this word is interesting (Bible is always interesting, thank you)
Exodus 17:15 Moses built an altar there and named it Yahweh-nissi (which means "the LORD is my banner").
My cellgroup mate, Pendy introduced me to a war manga called Kingdom (have heard that one? YOU SHOULD READ IT, mate), and because I have this unique (not weird) interest in something like ancient Chinese/Japanese kingdom, I enjoy reading it.
I read books (especially manga) about Romance of Three Kingdoms, Miyamoto Musashi, Sengoku Period etc.
I notice a significance in carrying a banner in a war:
1. The banner shows the identity of leader/general of the armies.
2. Carrying that banner means carrying the dignity and reputation of that general.
3. During the bout, if a troop successfully accomplish its mission, a war cry that praises the winning general will be shouted instantly. On the other hand, you can try to imagine how it feels to be the losing side.
See? The banners give you a strong vibe, doesn't it? (Kingdom)
Free picture of Kamen Rider Gaim, who fights while carrying his own banner *don't judge me
MacLaren's commentary on Exodus 17:15:
I. First, realise for whose cause you fight.
II. The second of the exhortations which come from the altar and its name is, Remember whose commands you follow.
III. Lastly, the third lesson that these grey stones preach to us is, Recognise by whose power you conquer.
I felt like, this is so kewl (cool), that's what we are supposed to be doing as a Christian, living our life and showing that the Almight LORD is our banner.
Being a Christian doesn't mean we are perfect, it just means that we are forgiven, and even in our iniquities, the LORD is still our banner.
Isn't it great? Isn't it powerful? Come on!
As I looked back at my own life, I can see that God has been so good to me.
Nevertheless, many times I failed to understand His plan, I failed to notice His glory over me, I failed to find the reason of holding on to the words He had said to me, and even worse, I felt unloved and defeated during my war. I'm kinda afraid of hearing "come" from God again.
I know that my battle is His, but I can't see the victory of it, I can't feel or understand the reason of it, my battle is open ended.
This sounds like I'm contradicting my points, no I'm not.
I'm showing that even though I'm weak, He's strong.
Even though I'm faithless, He remains faithful.
I might forfeit everything but I will NEVER forfeit my Banner.
My current condition doesn't change the truth that God is still loving and powerful, on this alone I believe.
If any of you are fighting an open-ended battle (like me, maybe I'm crazy but I know I'm not the only one), this reading might be helpful:
Nicki Edwards' Pass Me The Matches
If you are tempted to run away from Him, quit your process or leave in the middle of your journey, remember Philippians 1:6
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
What I do is to say this over and over again until I fix my eyes on Him:
God is the purpose of my fighting
God is the glory of my struggling
God is the reason of my hope
God is my banner
Thursday, 6 February 2014
Count Your Blessings
You can change the title as you want, the options are as follow:
2013:
1. Things that I want to show off
2. Things to be thankful for
3. My happy moments
Just kidding...
Although this writing is telling you what I received and went into recently, I'll make sure that IF you follow this post, you will find sharing that will encourage you :)
We tend to forget that we are blessed and highly favoured, yes we do...
I'm actually helping myself to be grateful by writing this post, as how I wrote the previous post
I'm such a forgetful person, I can forget God's kindness just like that, not a good thing for sure
2013:
1. I'mma remind myself of how grateful I am for a brother named Brian Adam Pratama in my life.
 |
| Ajarin gua selca dong, Bri |
This awesome guy became my one on one partner since last year, and I have the sweetest brotherhood ever since.
Strong relationship needs sincerity, efforts and commitment.
2. Playing for Monash University Malaysia Futsal Team
I was like "Go-International" huh?
I'm not the best Goalkeeper they can find, but through unexpected event, my friend, Vedo Irawan talked to Monash Captain, Shaf and recommended me to train with Monash team.
3. Freelance futsal
It's not like they pay me or something like that, but some nice and generous people who don't mind if I play bad, such as Elastico's coach (which happens to be my cousin's friend, Samuel Siew) . He sometimes invited me to play for their team.
I'm honoured.
4. Leading worship in a wedding ceremony
My first ever experience in doing so. I was confused, like: "What song to bring? I know I can't shout like usual, but how am I gonna do this?"
Thank you Ko Jackson Pang and Silvie Hosea for the privilege :).
5. Meeting my "twin sister", Wellney Yarra
I met her last year as she enrolled herself in CIMP Malaysia. I found many similarities between us, we are both smart, talkative and attractive *teehee. Hence, I often introduced her as my twin sister to my friends. I'm thankful that I have the privilege to listen and share stories with such great woman of God.
She gave Max Lucado's book as my birthday present and wrote a message as her appreciation, it goes like: "Makasih karena menghabiskan waktuku yang sangat mahal buat cerita sampe subuh." Well, it's pretty much summed up her gratitude, eh?
God really loves her, I tell you...
If any guy wants to date her, he better be really serious about it and take care of her well. You mess with her, means you mess with me.
6. Steven Furtick and Elevation Church
Through an unexpected event happened last year, I found a post on my Tumblr that led me to Elevation Church, in November 2013 (read it HERE)
I love Pastor Steven Furtick very much, he is one anointed, passionate and enthusiastic preacher of God.
Through their Elevation app, (of which you can download for android and iphone for free) I am able to listen to God's Word easily.
I follow their sermons and projects from that moment onward, I even listen to Ps. Steven's sermons over and over again because they are powerful and encouraging, they help me to stay on track and stand strong big times, perfect food for your spirit.
2014:
Fast forward to this year, shall we?
7. Invitation to serve with FreshGe in Semarang
The invitation came from Ko Franklin Gunarto, an alumnus and a senior Worship Leader in FGCC.
I never expected me to be invited, you know (I'm being honest here), I was at a loss for words, thank you :)
8. Ko Frank's efforts and response
I'll try to tell his story briefly: He has bought a train ticket for Friday night from Bandung to Semarang, but due to flood, he needed to drive all the way back to Jakarta while calling travel agents to get flight ticket in order to reach Semarang on Saturday noon
(because we had rehearsal at 1 pm, and this team is expert, they didn't meet each other for 2 years and only had practise session on the day they served ahaha).
Ko Frank then reached Jakarta at 3 am after long hours of driving. By God's grace he managed to get 9 am ticket, though previously he got 11 am ticket.
My FreshCom Leader, Adrian Kosasih told me that when he gave Ko Frank a call on Friday night, he could hear that Ko Frank still sounded excited and didn't even feel down.
I'm sorry for my short explanation above, maybe you can't understand what happened really well, but after a whole night driving right after you worked, without being able to rest or even taking a shower, due to some unexpected development (flood), yet you are still joyful?
Soo, his response really inspired me :)
Not only that, actually later on, I found that all FreshGe members had their own trials but they still served God whole-heartedly and you can see joy on their face when we worshipped together.
I'm really grateful to be there.
9. Steven Furtick's message
As I implied above, I was never a member of Elevation before this, I just love the sermons and the books (Sun Stand Still and Greater).
Here's a preview from Sun Stand Still, that helped me stay sane.
Before you swim out any farther, be sure that God is the One leading you out into deep waters. Count the cost. Consider the ramifications. Apply wisdom. Then, once it's clear he is calling you into the waves, don't you dare let the magnitude of your fears send you back to dry land. Keep moving out deeper. Keep reaching up.
In the beginning of January, I just tweeted randomly about Ps.Steven's new book, Crash the Chatterbox and Elevation Worship's new album, Only King Forever. Then this pastor, who barely replies anyone on Twitter, sent me the message you can see at bottom.
I was like: "No, Pastor, thank you, I just want to support Elevation by buying your books and cds."
And on 4th of February, the package came (after being missent to Taipei), hurray!
It's not like I used God's name to justify my doing, but for me personally, this is really His way to show how I am not lost from His eyes.
Recently I felt really down, I felt like I'm doing something that seems pointless, and even sometimes I even felt worthless, but I know God was the One who started everything. I often find myself wondering, "Do these things have purpose, God? I need a break, I want to get my joy back."
And just like that, He sent me fresh winds, as if He wanted to say: "You got My attention, son."
10. I'm grateful for my (real) sister, who forgot about my birthday and had short-circuit in her brain since she started doing internship :|
Many times she asked me some silly questions and then realized after some moments, she would say: "Dedek bego ya ko."
One time I told her, "My whole body is sore, I just had futsal match yesterday" and she was like: "Heh? You played futsal yesterday, why are you feeling sore now?" I'm unable to answer this question.
Still, she is my precious younger sister, we often do stupid things together, be idiotic together, share stories (you can name the categories: funny, serious, stupid, good-for-your-future, relationship, ga-jelas, ga-penting, apa-sih-ini.) and have fun together.
So yea, I'm cherishing my every moment with my beloved ones.
11. I am grateful for battles that scarred me but didn't break me
You guys have your own battles, I have mine.
This was what happened recently, it took me some time to finally be able to say: "Yes, You are Who You are, You are faithful, great and loving. I will trust You wherever You lead me to."
When darkness seems to blur His plans, believe His character.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. - Jeremiah 29:11
My point in writing this is not to show how blessed I am.
I'm counting my blessings and teaching myself about God being my only joy.
I believe the key not to be anxious about anything is through thanksgiving.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God - Philipians 4:6
In every season we are currently in, there are blessing and beauty all around if you look for them.
Maybe you're feeling down right now, you feel disappointed, you feel worn out and broken, but we have to learn not to be anxious about anything. Surrender our doubts and fears to God, because He cares.
You don't believe me? Never mind, just trust His words, for He is trustworthy.
You can start doing what I did, counting my blessings and see that God is faithful!
2. Playing for Monash University Malaysia Futsal Team
 |
| Yoi merah sendiri |
I'm not the best Goalkeeper they can find, but through unexpected event, my friend, Vedo Irawan talked to Monash Captain, Shaf and recommended me to train with Monash team.
3. Freelance futsal
 |
| Elastico vs Oli's Team |
I'm honoured.
4. Leading worship in a wedding ceremony
 |
| Deo mukanya lagi jelek di sini, jadi gua upload yang ini |
Thank you Ko Jackson Pang and Silvie Hosea for the privilege :).
5. Meeting my "twin sister", Wellney Yarra
 |
| Abis makan brutal sama mamanya Welni |
 |
| Buku Max Lu Kado kalo menurut dia |
I met her last year as she enrolled herself in CIMP Malaysia. I found many similarities between us, we are both smart, talkative and attractive *teehee. Hence, I often introduced her as my twin sister to my friends. I'm thankful that I have the privilege to listen and share stories with such great woman of God.
She gave Max Lucado's book as my birthday present and wrote a message as her appreciation, it goes like: "Makasih karena menghabiskan waktuku yang sangat mahal buat cerita sampe subuh." Well, it's pretty much summed up her gratitude, eh?
God really loves her, I tell you...
If any guy wants to date her, he better be really serious about it and take care of her well. You mess with her, means you mess with me.
6. Steven Furtick and Elevation Church
Through an unexpected event happened last year, I found a post on my Tumblr that led me to Elevation Church, in November 2013 (read it HERE)
I love Pastor Steven Furtick very much, he is one anointed, passionate and enthusiastic preacher of God.
Through their Elevation app, (of which you can download for android and iphone for free) I am able to listen to God's Word easily.
I follow their sermons and projects from that moment onward, I even listen to Ps. Steven's sermons over and over again because they are powerful and encouraging, they help me to stay on track and stand strong big times, perfect food for your spirit.
2014:
Fast forward to this year, shall we?
7. Invitation to serve with FreshGe in Semarang
The invitation came from Ko Franklin Gunarto, an alumnus and a senior Worship Leader in FGCC.
I never expected me to be invited, you know (I'm being honest here), I was at a loss for words, thank you :)
 |
| Song lists :3 |
 |
| Ps. Eddy Chang's preaching |
 |
| Sound Check at GMS Tower of Victory |
 |
| FreshGe at GMS ToV, Semarang |
 |
| FGCC (+Alumni) in GIA Pringgading, Semarang |
 |
| Si Ko Frank dan bayangannya Ci Mon2 |
(because we had rehearsal at 1 pm, and this team is expert, they didn't meet each other for 2 years and only had practise session on the day they served ahaha).
Ko Frank then reached Jakarta at 3 am after long hours of driving. By God's grace he managed to get 9 am ticket, though previously he got 11 am ticket.
My FreshCom Leader, Adrian Kosasih told me that when he gave Ko Frank a call on Friday night, he could hear that Ko Frank still sounded excited and didn't even feel down.
I'm sorry for my short explanation above, maybe you can't understand what happened really well, but after a whole night driving right after you worked, without being able to rest or even taking a shower, due to some unexpected development (flood), yet you are still joyful?
Soo, his response really inspired me :)
Not only that, actually later on, I found that all FreshGe members had their own trials but they still served God whole-heartedly and you can see joy on their face when we worshipped together.
I'm really grateful to be there.
9. Steven Furtick's message
As I implied above, I was never a member of Elevation before this, I just love the sermons and the books (Sun Stand Still and Greater).
 |
| Makasih lho Jansen |
Before you swim out any farther, be sure that God is the One leading you out into deep waters. Count the cost. Consider the ramifications. Apply wisdom. Then, once it's clear he is calling you into the waves, don't you dare let the magnitude of your fears send you back to dry land. Keep moving out deeper. Keep reaching up.
In the beginning of January, I just tweeted randomly about Ps.Steven's new book, Crash the Chatterbox and Elevation Worship's new album, Only King Forever. Then this pastor, who barely replies anyone on Twitter, sent me the message you can see at bottom.
I was like: "No, Pastor, thank you, I just want to support Elevation by buying your books and cds."
After that, I felt like God said: "Accept it, it is for you"
So I sent my address anyway.
It's not like I used God's name to justify my doing, but for me personally, this is really His way to show how I am not lost from His eyes.
Recently I felt really down, I felt like I'm doing something that seems pointless, and even sometimes I even felt worthless, but I know God was the One who started everything. I often find myself wondering, "Do these things have purpose, God? I need a break, I want to get my joy back."
And just like that, He sent me fresh winds, as if He wanted to say: "You got My attention, son."
10. I'm grateful for my (real) sister, who forgot about my birthday and had short-circuit in her brain since she started doing internship :|
Many times she asked me some silly questions and then realized after some moments, she would say: "Dedek bego ya ko."
One time I told her, "My whole body is sore, I just had futsal match yesterday" and she was like: "Heh? You played futsal yesterday, why are you feeling sore now?" I'm unable to answer this question.
Still, she is my precious younger sister, we often do stupid things together, be idiotic together, share stories (you can name the categories: funny, serious, stupid, good-for-your-future, relationship, ga-jelas, ga-penting, apa-sih-ini.) and have fun together.
So yea, I'm cherishing my every moment with my beloved ones.
11. I am grateful for battles that scarred me but didn't break me
You guys have your own battles, I have mine.
This was what happened recently, it took me some time to finally be able to say: "Yes, You are Who You are, You are faithful, great and loving. I will trust You wherever You lead me to."
When darkness seems to blur His plans, believe His character.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. - Jeremiah 29:11
My point in writing this is not to show how blessed I am.
I'm counting my blessings and teaching myself about God being my only joy.
I believe the key not to be anxious about anything is through thanksgiving.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God - Philipians 4:6
In every season we are currently in, there are blessing and beauty all around if you look for them.
Maybe you're feeling down right now, you feel disappointed, you feel worn out and broken, but we have to learn not to be anxious about anything. Surrender our doubts and fears to God, because He cares.
You don't believe me? Never mind, just trust His words, for He is trustworthy.
You can start doing what I did, counting my blessings and see that God is faithful!
Wednesday, 29 January 2014
Even Before That
I used to share to my friends that my first experience of hearing God's voice was when I asked Him about my first love, "is she the one?"
Many of you know the conclusion of this story, I got a direct, straight and bold answer: "NO!!"
It took me until this year to realize that it wasn't actually the very first time for me of hearing God's voice.
Even before that, when I was in 1st year of junior high school, I went for a teen camp called NRETC (National Reformed Evangelical Teen Convetion). During the last session, the speaker told us about voluntary offering. Somehow I felt like I needed to give my money from my wallet, I checked and found Rp 300.000. It was worth 2 months of my allowance. Then I called my mom, I said "I know our budget was kind of tight, and I didn't even walk around or went for shopping yet, but I wanted to give this money to God."
She told me to do what I wanted to do. So I just did that.
But, even before that, I told some friends about our family spiritual warfare when we were in Cirebon (2nd grade) caused by my father's colleague from Kalimantan Timur. So this person invited us to her house, she bought us many things including toys which I really liked.
Short story, those stuffs were "filled with something" and we needed to burn them all. Strangely, I was willing to 'sacrifice' all the toys to be burnt to ashes without feeling sad. I knew I did this because God told me to.
Some people receive His Words differently, but let me share my story of hearing God's voice.
1. Standing for God will trigger great opposition
I wrote this post weeks ago, however God didn't let me continue my original writing. I just couldn't put my outline all together.
"This 'opposition' part needed to be changed!", so I did some editing,
and it was until I watched Furtick's 4th part of Sticks and Stones, I knew why God didn't let me put my original thoughts, check the preview here
No matter how young or old you are, how small or big things you are doing, or who you are, you're going to face opposition if you are doing something for God.
Honestly, I don't think I'm that kind of religious guy, you know. I was born in Methodist background, being a radical person, I started to ask questions and did research about who God really is, is there really a so-called God. I did that when I was a kid, bla bla bla and Jesus just saved me.
Then I grew up, trying to know God deeper, while I failed so many times, I fell into pornography in my second year of senior high school, I got a really bad temper, I didn't control my words and some other bad stuffs.
(see? not that religious right?)
In Malaysia, a preacher from Abba Love came and confirmed my gift of prophecy, I did not know what was that (although it did sound cool to me), all I knew was that I truly believe in Jesus and many people said that I had a gift of faith, that's all.
Then, I started to learn and optimize my gift of prophecy since 2010.
Still, many people said things like "you're too religious", "you're too bold", "you're too straight", "don't be too critical in studying God's Word, because you need to apply it to your daily life"... and they came from my friends.
I was even told several times that because of my sharing of how God works in my life, someone got discouraged and lost his/her confidence in his/her faith, so I should stop doing that.
The thing is: I'm pretty sure Who called me to do what I've been doing right now, so if I really do spiritually harmful activities, let Him judge and refute me. But if I'm really called to do so, I pray that one day God would reveal these things to you, if He doesn't, that's fine either.
Doubting whether it is really God or just your feeling or imagination
Voices say that this thing is not gonna work
Imagination of 'what ifs' that runs wild
Believe me, I've tried a LOT of things just to make sure that God really speaks to me
and all the time, I face great oppositions while doing what I think I heard from God (I say this because many times I'm not sure of His voice, it was full of oppositions as the result of following that voice)
2. Your first step of faith
It's not that we don't hear from God, we just don't obey what God has told us to.
What did you do when God said "no" to you?
What did you do when God said "do it" to you?
Being unable to discern God's voice, many people left it as it is and didn't do anything.
But the real question is, are you really going to stay quiet, be afraid of falling down, frozen in fear of rejection and keep waiting until this might-be-invitation-that-God-wants-us-to-embrace passes by? Or will you be willing to step out in order to find out?
Because even before that, Peter, one of Jesus' disciples did that attempt, he stepped out from the boat towards Jesus who stood on the water and believed that Jesus would catch him even when he fell.
He always will, His hands are not short, and He is able to sustain you, so take your first step of faith!
(I'm not encouraging people to do stupid things though, such as finding out whether someone is your future spouse by randomly dating your crush etc. We need wisdom, please)
3. Set yourself apart
Habakkuk 2:1
I will take my stand at my watchpost
and station myself on the tower,
and look out to see what he will say to me,
and what I will answer concerning my complaint.
Do you put yourself to a position that you can listen to God clearly?
Up to this point, maybe some of you would say: "Hey I've done all those things you mentioned above, but none of those miraculous things have ever happened to me."
and people often said to me: "Yea, it's easy for you. Not everyone can hear from God as clearly as you do though."
I wrote this to tell someone, I was not born super religious and holy and I'm still not one even until now.
I even doubted and asked God this question last week, "God, where are we now? Are we headed in the right direction?"
After that, there was one time when I took several minutes to answer His question: "After all these things, will you trust Me to be your Guide?"
Steven Furtick said: The people God uses aren't fearless, they're just faithful
Many of you know the conclusion of this story, I got a direct, straight and bold answer: "NO!!"
It took me until this year to realize that it wasn't actually the very first time for me of hearing God's voice.
Even before that, when I was in 1st year of junior high school, I went for a teen camp called NRETC (National Reformed Evangelical Teen Convetion). During the last session, the speaker told us about voluntary offering. Somehow I felt like I needed to give my money from my wallet, I checked and found Rp 300.000. It was worth 2 months of my allowance. Then I called my mom, I said "I know our budget was kind of tight, and I didn't even walk around or went for shopping yet, but I wanted to give this money to God."
She told me to do what I wanted to do. So I just did that.
But, even before that, I told some friends about our family spiritual warfare when we were in Cirebon (2nd grade) caused by my father's colleague from Kalimantan Timur. So this person invited us to her house, she bought us many things including toys which I really liked.
Short story, those stuffs were "filled with something" and we needed to burn them all. Strangely, I was willing to 'sacrifice' all the toys to be burnt to ashes without feeling sad. I knew I did this because God told me to.
Some people receive His Words differently, but let me share my story of hearing God's voice.
1. Standing for God will trigger great opposition
I wrote this post weeks ago, however God didn't let me continue my original writing. I just couldn't put my outline all together.
"This 'opposition' part needed to be changed!", so I did some editing,
and it was until I watched Furtick's 4th part of Sticks and Stones, I knew why God didn't let me put my original thoughts, check the preview here
No matter how young or old you are, how small or big things you are doing, or who you are, you're going to face opposition if you are doing something for God.
Honestly, I don't think I'm that kind of religious guy, you know. I was born in Methodist background, being a radical person, I started to ask questions and did research about who God really is, is there really a so-called God. I did that when I was a kid, bla bla bla and Jesus just saved me.
Then I grew up, trying to know God deeper, while I failed so many times, I fell into pornography in my second year of senior high school, I got a really bad temper, I didn't control my words and some other bad stuffs.
(see? not that religious right?)
In Malaysia, a preacher from Abba Love came and confirmed my gift of prophecy, I did not know what was that (although it did sound cool to me), all I knew was that I truly believe in Jesus and many people said that I had a gift of faith, that's all.
Then, I started to learn and optimize my gift of prophecy since 2010.
Still, many people said things like "you're too religious", "you're too bold", "you're too straight", "don't be too critical in studying God's Word, because you need to apply it to your daily life"... and they came from my friends.
I was even told several times that because of my sharing of how God works in my life, someone got discouraged and lost his/her confidence in his/her faith, so I should stop doing that.
The thing is: I'm pretty sure Who called me to do what I've been doing right now, so if I really do spiritually harmful activities, let Him judge and refute me. But if I'm really called to do so, I pray that one day God would reveal these things to you, if He doesn't, that's fine either.
Nevertheless, often times greatest opposition doesn't come from your surrounding, it comes from within you.
Feeling scared of falling when you try to step out by faithDoubting whether it is really God or just your feeling or imagination
Voices say that this thing is not gonna work
Imagination of 'what ifs' that runs wild
Believe me, I've tried a LOT of things just to make sure that God really speaks to me
and all the time, I face great oppositions while doing what I think I heard from God (I say this because many times I'm not sure of His voice, it was full of oppositions as the result of following that voice)
It's not that we don't hear from God, we just don't obey what God has told us to.
What did you do when God said "no" to you?
What did you do when God said "do it" to you?
Being unable to discern God's voice, many people left it as it is and didn't do anything.
But the real question is, are you really going to stay quiet, be afraid of falling down, frozen in fear of rejection and keep waiting until this might-be-invitation-that-God-wants-us-to-embrace passes by? Or will you be willing to step out in order to find out?
Because even before that, Peter, one of Jesus' disciples did that attempt, he stepped out from the boat towards Jesus who stood on the water and believed that Jesus would catch him even when he fell.
He always will, His hands are not short, and He is able to sustain you, so take your first step of faith!
(I'm not encouraging people to do stupid things though, such as finding out whether someone is your future spouse by randomly dating your crush etc. We need wisdom, please)
3. Set yourself apart
Habakkuk 2:1
I will take my stand at my watchpost
and station myself on the tower,
and look out to see what he will say to me,
and what I will answer concerning my complaint.
Do you put yourself to a position that you can listen to God clearly?
Away from your social medias, hi-tech gadgets, news, and stuffs
Do you give your time for God to read the Bible, not only to pray and report your stuffs to Him but also to listen to His Words?
Do you set yourself apart? Fighting against your flesh, the one I called you-know-it-is-wrong-but-you-do-it-anyway?
If you haven't, start positioning yourself so that you can hear clearly from God.
It's easy to say that you want to hear from God, but it's another thing to set yourself apart.
Even before that, Matthew 5:8 said
Even before that, Matthew 5:8 said
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
(I did a deeper study on this verse, check it out if you want. Blessed are the pure in heart)
(I did a deeper study on this verse, check it out if you want. Blessed are the pure in heart)
4. Times and Seasons
Up to this point, maybe some of you would say: "Hey I've done all those things you mentioned above, but none of those miraculous things have ever happened to me."
and people often said to me: "Yea, it's easy for you. Not everyone can hear from God as clearly as you do though."
We often look at the fruits, without seeing the roots
I even doubted and asked God this question last week, "God, where are we now? Are we headed in the right direction?"
After that, there was one time when I took several minutes to answer His question: "After all these things, will you trust Me to be your Guide?"
The reason I couldn't answer it directly was because I thought: "After all these things, God?
After I offered my dreams and embraced something that You called me to, only to trade them with harsh rejection?
After I did my best to move forward and not give up, just to get kicked right on my face?
......
......"
It took me my own step of faith to reply: "Yes, Lord. No matter what has happened, what may come my way, please be my One Guide to the very end."
This is what I do or even force myself to do, when the options of ditching God's instruction, giving up our hopes and trusting yourselves are all around me: Keep pressing forward.
After I offered my dreams and embraced something that You called me to, only to trade them with harsh rejection?
After I did my best to move forward and not give up, just to get kicked right on my face?
......
......"
It took me my own step of faith to reply: "Yes, Lord. No matter what has happened, what may come my way, please be my One Guide to the very end."
This is what I do or even force myself to do, when the options of ditching God's instruction, giving up our hopes and trusting yourselves are all around me: Keep pressing forward.
I admit my weakness, I admit my doubts and fears, I admit my frustration to Him, and then I press on, hoping to know Him better in each one of my journeys.
Sometimes God doesn't want to give us direction because He wants to be our Guide.
He doesn't let us know the direction we need, because He wants to teach us who He is.
He doesn't let us know the direction we need, because He wants to teach us who He is.
I'm not saying I'm faithful, because I'm still fighting to be.
Every fight and process I've undergone with Him, brings me closer to the One who assigned me to do things trusted to me.
Not instant, but through times and seasons.
So, what's your excuse to stop hoping for God?
I hope this post might be helpful for someone, no matter what state you are in right now, believe in His timing.
You are unable to hear from God until now? Show your perseverance! Desiring to know Him deeper, longing to have encounter with Him and waiting on Him.
Because even before that, He told us in Isaiah 30:18
Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.
You are unable to hear from God until now? Show your perseverance! Desiring to know Him deeper, longing to have encounter with Him and waiting on Him.
Because even before that, He told us in Isaiah 30:18
Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.
(ps: I do weekly fasting just for one topic, "I want to love Your Bible, teach me how to love it because this book got no picture, it's filled with complicated words, and sometimes I had headache when I read it, but I want to delight in it. Teach me, Lord".)
Thursday, 2 January 2014
Jesus Told Me To
Honestly, this post was inspired by a certain event happened today between me and rambutan, so I wanted to name this post "Indra and Rambutan", but it just doesn't sound right.
Yes, AFTER you've done God's will, you need to perservere. Perservere for what? I don't know (seriously), I just don't want to miss my rambutan.
Look at the devil that always says to you "why bother", answer him confidently: "Because Jesus told me to"
ps: I hope you don't get the wrong idea of excusing your mind/feeling by saying "Jesus told me to" hahaha
2 weeks ago, my parents came to Sunway and brought me some fruits (orange, rambutan and kiwi). I think because they really concern about their malnutrition-look-like son :|
And yea, they treated me to dinner (because I had to work with morning-evening shift) of which I didn't waste my chance to have Sushi Zanmai dinner worth of 80 RM MYSELF
After some time, I just left the fruits in my refrigerator. Trying to believe that even after some weeks, these fruits will still be ok to consume (silly me, really). Then today without knowing why, I felt that I really wanted to eat rambutan, then I opened my refrigerator, but my expectation fell short. They got rotten (of course, come on man, it's been two weeks) and now I'm afraid of writing this post in Indonesian that my parents might accidentally read this post (and understand! that's the scariest part)
The lesson was that sometimes we underestimate things too much, that we don't take them seriously until they are gone. Don't waste your chance, do what you are supposed to do right now!
Okay, that's my introduction
Yesterday I watched this sermon clip of "Jesus Told Me To" by Steven Furtick
You can watch it if you want (surely you don't wanna miss your chance, after you have read my message above) *evillaugh
Short story, it's about holding on to God's instruction, with the solid reason called "Jesus Told Me To"
I was thinking how sometimes God asks me to do "His" things in my life, that I often do willingly or unwillingly. Not that I'm that faithful to do His command, but I just can't run away from Him (and I'm pretty sure I don't want to be the second Jonah).
Even until now, I sometimes did things He asked me to do unwillingly.
Having my sense of justice or even dignity being trampled over and over again, He still asked me to do ridiculous stuffs as if He doesn't consider my feeling at all.
You know what, sometimes you felt like it's useless to do what God asked you to do.
Certainly devil would agree with my point
Why bother helping someone that rejects your help?
Why bother forgiving someone that doesn't realize their mistakes? You are the wrong one in their eyes anyway.
Why bother praying for something that seems impossible?
Why bother praying for someone who doesn't even deserve for it?
Why bother sharing your time, life and energy for someone who just sucks life out of you?
Why bother loving someone that no matter how precious it is, they can't understand it anyway?
Why bother doing God's word? You will get misunderstood anyway
Why bother doing God's word? You will get misunderstood anyway
You know, you'd been walking around your Jericho wall, you stretched out your staff, you struck the water, you dug many ditches in your life, you obeyed His Word. But nothing happened, don't you look stupid?
Furthermore, it's wasting energy, ain't it?
I'm unable to explain my calling to anyone else, so often times I can only answered "I don't know, God told me to."
And even now, I have this unwavering confidence that "God told me to".
Although I don't understand why He did that. I've learnt from my lesson, I wasted my 4 years circling around and around just because I was sticking to this very question of mine: Why?
I don't know what's waiting for me in the future, really, I don't know, sometimes I can see the brightness of hope in my future, sometimes I just can't see anything but dark cloud colouring my sky.
Through my daily devotion, God comforted me: "taat aja". (yes, thank You, really helpful :|)
But it didn't end like that, through the sermon I've mentioned previously, I received these messages:
"Sometimes in order to be victorious you have to be willing to do something ridiculous"
and that as long as I do what Jesus told me to do, no matter how weird it is, He will lead me to His blessings.
"Outcome is God's responsibilities, obedience is yours"
I better fail when living my faith, than not stepping out because of my own reason (ego, fear, reasonings). God's instruction might sound silly, mundane, insignificant but I don't want to miss His blessing just because I underestimate it.
"Cry if you have to cry, but just don't leave" - Steven Furtick
Don't leave God's presence, don't leave out your calling, you can feel like you lose your hope in doing His will, but just don't leave. God wants to do something in you and through you
Well, I'm not saying this with knowing what awaits for me, I'm just trusting that God is faithful and He is powerful.
Hebrew 10:36 says: For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.
Look at the devil that always says to you "why bother", answer him confidently: "Because Jesus told me to"
ps: I hope you don't get the wrong idea of excusing your mind/feeling by saying "Jesus told me to" hahaha
Wednesday, 25 December 2013
Merry Christmas to You, J!
Hey Jesus, merry christmas and happy birthday
It's not like You'll be getting any older or younger anyway, since You live out of the time
I want to thank You for everything, every single thing You've done for us and for me
Even though I don't really know when the exact date you were born, as some people try to figure out
or even though I don't really call You according to Your Hebrew name or so-called ' more proper' name, because I'm sure that You know our limitation and variety of languages, as I myself don't really care how I'm called by my closest friends (In, Dra, Tan, Coi, Dul, Fuwa, Kafuwa etc), You are wise.
Thank You for staying with me all the times, even when there are times when I don't feel You nearby, when I can't hear Your voice, when You don't speak anything to me, when I felt as if my world crumbled down or my sky fell down. Never for once You leave me or forsake me
When You're standing in front of me, You say: Follow me, I'm gonna lead your way
When You're standing beside me, You say: I'm always with you
When You're standing behind me, You say: I got your back
As for now, I still struggle to rest myself in You wholly in every situation, but I choose to trust You.
I don't understand why You called me to some places, but I'mma trust You anyway.
I can't see the finish line nor the logical explanation about many things, but I'll follow You anyway.
This is not much, but I hope my life may be a pleasant offering to You
Happy birthday, J!
It's not like You'll be getting any older or younger anyway, since You live out of the time
I want to thank You for everything, every single thing You've done for us and for me
Even though I don't really know when the exact date you were born, as some people try to figure out
or even though I don't really call You according to Your Hebrew name or so-called ' more proper' name, because I'm sure that You know our limitation and variety of languages, as I myself don't really care how I'm called by my closest friends (In, Dra, Tan, Coi, Dul, Fuwa, Kafuwa etc), You are wise.
Thank You for staying with me all the times, even when there are times when I don't feel You nearby, when I can't hear Your voice, when You don't speak anything to me, when I felt as if my world crumbled down or my sky fell down. Never for once You leave me or forsake me
When You're standing in front of me, You say: Follow me, I'm gonna lead your way
When You're standing beside me, You say: I'm always with you
When You're standing behind me, You say: I got your back
As for now, I still struggle to rest myself in You wholly in every situation, but I choose to trust You.
I don't understand why You called me to some places, but I'mma trust You anyway.
I can't see the finish line nor the logical explanation about many things, but I'll follow You anyway.
This is not much, but I hope my life may be a pleasant offering to You
Happy birthday, J!
Tuesday, 22 October 2013
A Journey of Obedience and Faithfulness
I have been writing this draft since last month,
There are some reasons that I posted this just now :D
A vision!
This time, I was inspired to picture myself as a kid, doing all my activities normally...
Until one day, He told me, "Hey, I got a surprise for you."
"What surprise? No, it's okay, I'm perfectly fine with everything, I can't even thank You enough for it."
"Just follow Me."
And He put a blindfold on me, even if I said that I was okay and wouldn't ask for more.
He held my hands and led my way, He knew the direction, while I was still wondering where I would be brought to.
This turned out to be a pretty long journey to walk, some might take days, months, years for some people.
For me, months...
During the beginning of the journey, the one thing called obedience was very easy to do. I was excited, having high hopes, I didn't feel tired of walking and everything was just beautiful at the beginning.
Days after days had passed and I started to wonder,
"Hey God, why haven't we reached our destination yet? Why don't I feel that we are getting any closer to the place You've told me?"
"Be patient..."
A simple sentence that has a really deep meaning behind it
(3 Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
4 Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. - Psalm 37:3-4)
Steps after steps, I began to fall down sometimes, I felt the obstacles here and there, an uncomfortable atmosphere around me, and hear that people had stopped going on this direction. But, I couldn't see anything at all, I did not know what was happening.
I asked and kept asking "Is it the correct path? Can we just quit this journey and go back home?"
You know, I just found out that keep asking to "go back" indicates that you are being discouraged. I was, I really was.
He said, "Keep on walking"
(5 Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
6 And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
7 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. - Psalm 37:5-7)
I honestly admitted that I wanted to question His answers, I was starting to lose heart and faint, I hated this situation, but I didn't let my hands go of His.
I kept on walking...
Many times I felt too tired to hold on
Many times I was overwhelmed with fears
Many times I doubted that I would ever reach there
and many times, I was brought down on my knees in prayers, only to take a break, and ask for His joy and peace to fill my heart.
I felt like walking through a deep valley.
(4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. - Psalm 23:4)
Then I reached a point where I bumped into a wall, a really high wall, many people kept saying that it was the end of the journey.
You know what, to quit was my biggest prayer before I walked on this journey because I simply didn't want to meet a dead end. I was sort of 'being led' to continue this journey, and here I was, in front of a high wall.
My hopes were shattered, I couldn't even think of any good endings of this journey.
I wanted to express my vexation, I wanted to defend myself, yea I was sort of being angry. But He told me to calm myself down.
(2 I was dumb with silence, I held my peace, even from good; and my sorrow was stirred. - Psalm 39:2)
Still, weirdly He asked me to humble myself even more and stop thinking about those things. "Be still, be quiet and trust in me. It is not over yet, let's start walking again."
So, I left my anger and anxiety behind, I forsook and forgot about it. Nothing good's gonna come out by keeping it.
(9 I was dumb, I opened not my mouth; because thou didst it. - Psalm 39:9)
Nevertheless, my heart cried out to Him, "God, what do You want me to do? Continuing this walk? I've accepted the fact that I might have met a dead end. My only prayer is to be strong in moving on, that's ALL I need. Isn't this the dead end? EVERYONES's already gone back and been telling us to do the same, isn't it stupid to go on? I am being avoided and forgotten anyway."
(9 Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly.
10 For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed.
11 I was a reproach among all mine enemies, but especially among my neighbours, and a fear to mine acquaintance: they that did see me without fled from me.
12 I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel. - Psalm 31:9-12)
"No, you know it is not over yet."
Then I brought myself to start walking again.
Every single day I woke up, I always prayed for more strength, courage, patience and gentleness.
I was tempted to figure out everything and strategize an "after-journey" plan, but I got frustrated even more, that was too much for me right now so I left everything to His mighty hands.
I just know one thing for sure, I know the voice of my Sheperd!
My part is to walk obediently and joyfully, knowing that He is with me and He has something for me.
"I'm done fighting, I'm finally letting go"
and I still walked on the road He had showed me, with my eyes focused solely on Him.
(1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. - Psalm 23: 1-3)
1st of October, He said to me: "You know, one day you will be thankful for what you are doing right now."
I, being freed from my own thoughts, was finally able to say: "Hey G! Whatever Your will, whatever the result is, I will still love You, I've fallen for You since a long time ago. You're the One who always stands beside me even when I'm all alone. I love You and I trust in You."
Well, Christ is enough and that's what matters most :)
(22 For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee. - Psalm 31:22)
How do I know that God is with me?
Because:
the fears I felt,
the tears I shed at nights,
the doubts I had,
the failures I faced,
and even the rejection I got are all real,
certainly His peace and love that fill my life abundantly.
(13 As one whom his mother comforts, so will I comfort you; - Isaiah 66:13a)
Unless he obeys, a man cannot believe ~ Bonhoeffer
I learn how to walk really obediently, although without understanding the reason why I should keep on walking.
I'm just doing what I've been told.
Maybe, I learn to really BELIEVE.
I love God more than my self-esteem, dreams, hopes, feelings or even myself.
Trust me, I wouldn't want and wouldn't be able to lower myself to this extent without Him.
This is literally my everything, my life as a burnt offering.
(1 I cried unto God with my voice, even unto God with my voice; and he gave ear unto me.
2 In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered God, and was troubled: I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah. - Psalm 77:1-3)
There are some reasons that I posted this just now :D
A vision!
This time, I was inspired to picture myself as a kid, doing all my activities normally...
Until one day, He told me, "Hey, I got a surprise for you."
"What surprise? No, it's okay, I'm perfectly fine with everything, I can't even thank You enough for it."
"Just follow Me."
And He put a blindfold on me, even if I said that I was okay and wouldn't ask for more.
He held my hands and led my way, He knew the direction, while I was still wondering where I would be brought to.
This turned out to be a pretty long journey to walk, some might take days, months, years for some people.
For me, months...
During the beginning of the journey, the one thing called obedience was very easy to do. I was excited, having high hopes, I didn't feel tired of walking and everything was just beautiful at the beginning.
Days after days had passed and I started to wonder,
"Hey God, why haven't we reached our destination yet? Why don't I feel that we are getting any closer to the place You've told me?"
"Be patient..."
A simple sentence that has a really deep meaning behind it
(3 Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
4 Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. - Psalm 37:3-4)
Steps after steps, I began to fall down sometimes, I felt the obstacles here and there, an uncomfortable atmosphere around me, and hear that people had stopped going on this direction. But, I couldn't see anything at all, I did not know what was happening.
I asked and kept asking "Is it the correct path? Can we just quit this journey and go back home?"
You know, I just found out that keep asking to "go back" indicates that you are being discouraged. I was, I really was.
He said, "Keep on walking"
(5 Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
6 And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
7 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. - Psalm 37:5-7)
I honestly admitted that I wanted to question His answers, I was starting to lose heart and faint, I hated this situation, but I didn't let my hands go of His.
I kept on walking...
Many times I felt too tired to hold on
Many times I was overwhelmed with fears
Many times I doubted that I would ever reach there
and many times, I was brought down on my knees in prayers, only to take a break, and ask for His joy and peace to fill my heart.
I felt like walking through a deep valley.
(4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. - Psalm 23:4)
Then I reached a point where I bumped into a wall, a really high wall, many people kept saying that it was the end of the journey.
You know what, to quit was my biggest prayer before I walked on this journey because I simply didn't want to meet a dead end. I was sort of 'being led' to continue this journey, and here I was, in front of a high wall.
My hopes were shattered, I couldn't even think of any good endings of this journey.
I wanted to express my vexation, I wanted to defend myself, yea I was sort of being angry. But He told me to calm myself down.
(8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil. -Psalm 37:8)
I wanted to speak up upon 'unfairness' I experienced, because I just felt like a dumb.(2 I was dumb with silence, I held my peace, even from good; and my sorrow was stirred. - Psalm 39:2)
Still, weirdly He asked me to humble myself even more and stop thinking about those things. "Be still, be quiet and trust in me. It is not over yet, let's start walking again."
So, I left my anger and anxiety behind, I forsook and forgot about it. Nothing good's gonna come out by keeping it.
(9 I was dumb, I opened not my mouth; because thou didst it. - Psalm 39:9)
Nevertheless, my heart cried out to Him, "God, what do You want me to do? Continuing this walk? I've accepted the fact that I might have met a dead end. My only prayer is to be strong in moving on, that's ALL I need. Isn't this the dead end? EVERYONES's already gone back and been telling us to do the same, isn't it stupid to go on? I am being avoided and forgotten anyway."
(9 Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly.
10 For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed.
11 I was a reproach among all mine enemies, but especially among my neighbours, and a fear to mine acquaintance: they that did see me without fled from me.
12 I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel. - Psalm 31:9-12)
"No, you know it is not over yet."
Then I brought myself to start walking again.
Every single day I woke up, I always prayed for more strength, courage, patience and gentleness.
I was tempted to figure out everything and strategize an "after-journey" plan, but I got frustrated even more, that was too much for me right now so I left everything to His mighty hands.
I just know one thing for sure, I know the voice of my Sheperd!
My part is to walk obediently and joyfully, knowing that He is with me and He has something for me.
"I'm done fighting, I'm finally letting go"
and I still walked on the road He had showed me, with my eyes focused solely on Him.
(1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. - Psalm 23: 1-3)
1st of October, He said to me: "You know, one day you will be thankful for what you are doing right now."
I, being freed from my own thoughts, was finally able to say: "Hey G! Whatever Your will, whatever the result is, I will still love You, I've fallen for You since a long time ago. You're the One who always stands beside me even when I'm all alone. I love You and I trust in You."
Well, Christ is enough and that's what matters most :)
(22 For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee. - Psalm 31:22)
How do I know that God is with me?
Because:
the fears I felt,
the tears I shed at nights,
the doubts I had,
the failures I faced,
and even the rejection I got are all real,
certainly His peace and love that fill my life abundantly.
(13 As one whom his mother comforts, so will I comfort you; - Isaiah 66:13a)
Unless he obeys, a man cannot believe ~ Bonhoeffer
I learn how to walk really obediently, although without understanding the reason why I should keep on walking.
I'm just doing what I've been told.
Maybe, I learn to really BELIEVE.
I love God more than my self-esteem, dreams, hopes, feelings or even myself.
Trust me, I wouldn't want and wouldn't be able to lower myself to this extent without Him.
This is literally my everything, my life as a burnt offering.
(1 I cried unto God with my voice, even unto God with my voice; and he gave ear unto me.
2 In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered God, and was troubled: I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah. - Psalm 77:1-3)
I have many stuffs to work on, I'm still praying everyday only to ask for strength to continue walking.
My situation was somehow described by this song, HELP ME FIND IT - Sidewalk Prophets
A powerful song!
As I said at Youth Service, I can't promise you anything, I just trust that GOD IS FAITHFUL
and now I'm learning furthermore to rest in the faithfulness of God.
I'm learning to stop doubting+worrying and wait for Him, because He's never failed before.
(114 Thou art my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word. - Psalm 119:114)
(114 Thou art my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word. - Psalm 119:114)
Last thing, a really clear picture of this vision of mine is that:
When the time has come and I've reached the end of my journey, He takes off my blindfold and lets me see what's there waiting for me. I'm simply brought down on my knees again, and in awe I say: "Thank You, Father. I'm really thankful for THIS (whatever it is)."
When the time has come and I've reached the end of my journey, He takes off my blindfold and lets me see what's there waiting for me. I'm simply brought down on my knees again, and in awe I say: "Thank You, Father. I'm really thankful for THIS (whatever it is)."
I wanted to know about it, but I had stopped asking Him, for I know that obedience is much better than understanding. It's not that He does not have intention to reply my questions, but it's just not the time yet.
I've made sure that I did not ask Him to 'break me and use me for His purpose', I'm weak, instead of feeling 'that' tough to pray for such prayer.
Yet, I'm joyful because in every turn of the road, He's there, waiting for me and encouraging me all the time.
I do everything, remain faithful, and press on forward based on conviction I received, that's all I know.
(This is my comfort in my affliction: for your word has quickened me. - Psalm 119:50)
I've made sure that I did not ask Him to 'break me and use me for His purpose', I'm weak, instead of feeling 'that' tough to pray for such prayer.
Yet, I'm joyful because in every turn of the road, He's there, waiting for me and encouraging me all the time.
I do everything, remain faithful, and press on forward based on conviction I received, that's all I know.
(This is my comfort in my affliction: for your word has quickened me. - Psalm 119:50)
And in the end, I will be grateful because I finish this race just like how He wants me to.
You may not understand today or tomorrow, but eventually God will reveal why you went through everything you did. - Jarrid Wilson
Faithfulness involves character, discipline & determination. It makes choices from a base of conviction, not convenience! - Brian Houston
So, turn your eyes upon Jesus and stay faithful, friends... Stay faithful :)
You may not understand today or tomorrow, but eventually God will reveal why you went through everything you did. - Jarrid Wilson
Faithfulness involves character, discipline & determination. It makes choices from a base of conviction, not convenience! - Brian Houston
So, turn your eyes upon Jesus and stay faithful, friends... Stay faithful :)
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say: "It is well, it is well with my soul"
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