More Than Enough

Pastor Steve's message, "sometimes in order to be victorious, you need to be willing to do something that looks ridiculous", kept resounding in my head for quite a while.

What kind of victory does God actually want us to achieve? Especially that requires us to look ridiculous.
The fact is, sometimes you know, sometimes you don't
One thing for sure, God always knows

So the question is, without having a clear grasp of this "victory", are you still willing- to look ridiculous- for God's sake?
I can handle the stress of keeping on IF I can see the purpose, but without the reason or the purpose, to constantly remind myself about, I just can't.

That's what I thought.

When God Doesn't Make Sense
In the past years, every single time I surrendered my will to be in sync with God's, I felt as if God then led me to some random-unknown-and-unpreferred paths to walk.

I wrote this before, but what I didn't write was that:
There were times- even until recently- I kept running away from God just because of this.

It is a simple matter, maybe something like God asked me to pray for certain things, to wait on Him, and be still.

While for other aspects my pastors and mentors affirmed my availability in serving God, I know deep within, I'm not wholly available for God.

Well, not on this matter.

Until the beginning of this year, I decided to respect God as how He deserves, especially as my King.
Truth be told, as a King, He doesn't need to consult with me about what He wants me to do, He speaks and I am to obey. 

So how dare I show such insolent attitude by refusing to pray for what He wants me to pray?

I braced myself to face what God wants me to do, again.
As I had expected, it was still painful, it was still confusing and sometimes I still thought "I had better skipped this request, I was so fine before this"
Although...
There was one difference, I did not lose my faith as I had done years ago.

I'm secure in my identity in Jesus, I guess God used my last experience to teach me really well.


My Grace is Sufficient
I, then asked God one more time, "What is the real message hidden in the midst of this unexplainable process? Maybe I had missed it out the first and second time, created stories and endings as how I (not He) saw fit. But not this time, I'm letting You write Your story in my life. Here I am, Lord, I'mma find it to understand what You want to teach me."

I got to the bottom of my frustration to look for it,
go through the same painful thing, again, to see what God wants me to learn,
be still in His presence right in the face of the storms and raging sea,
until I finally came to know Him as an El-Shaddai, not only God Almighty but also The All-Sufficient God, God that is more than enough.

Apostle Paul experienced worse than I (we ever) do, he pleaded to God three (different) times, yet instead of granting His trusted servant's request, God let it be and said "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor 12:9)

Why so cold, God?
I believe it's really not hard for God to do as what Paul asked, after all it might boost Paul's performance so he would be able to work more efficiently, don't you think?

Pastor Craig Groeschel mentioned "The meaning of Charis (undeserved favor, grace) is: God freely extends Himself, leaning and reaching to us because He is disposed to bless and be near to us. He wants to say, "I'm here for you! I'm not gonna answer this one (Paul's prayer), because this time it's Me all you need.""

He concluded:
1. True prayer isn't about getting our way, but surrendering our will

2. Prayer reminds us that we're not in control and keeps us close to the One who is

3. Prayer isn't just asking, but trusting

I believe that is the true meaning of "God that is more than enough", El-Shaddai means the All-Sufficient God, He will indeed supply and provide all we need, I get that, but what if it means God Himself is more than enough, even without His blessings, without His provision, but His presence? Even if He doesn't answer your prayer as you have dearly prayed for?  Even if He does nothing to your situation, will you still believe that God is ALL you need every moment of your life?

When my soul was embittered,

when I was pricked in heart,

I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.

Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.

- Psalm 73:21-23

Maybe this is it.

Maybe this is what God had been trying to convey to me.

Maybe this is what I did not see when I was running away.

Even when my soul was embittered, even when I was pricked in heart,

I should open my own heart to see, I am CONTINUALLY with Him,

as He holds my right hand.

He wants- even when you don't understand anything, even when it's hurting you here and there, even when it is open-ended, even when you had pleaded to God to take it away countless times and yet He did nothing about it, especially when God doesn't make sense- you confide in and depend on Him as the God who is more than enough.

Confident in God's Purpose

It took me 3 years, through my deepest valley, to experience myself this meaning of El-Shaddai, and this way, He showed Himself faithful to me, along with His sustaining power, peace and presence.
It's not like I had not met some different situations that brought me to my knees, but from this process, I had a chance to go up to a higher level of revelation in my journey with God.

I admit, before recently, my obedience is not unconditional.
(I mean, "if I do this, God please fill my drawer in heaven with my favorite Jordan shoes."
Okay, just kidding)

For one or two thing, I have my own conditions.

What I hoped "I do my obedience, God, please do Your outcome. It isn't necessarily the outcome I once thought it should be, but after all these years, please God, outcome."

The thing is, although He has the power to do anything and everything, He did nothing.

Oh, I think it's normal and totally understandable to have these conditions, but it's just not what God wants.

Unconditional obedience while knowing He alone, is more than enough is the IT I've been looking for.

If anything, I'm taking this process as my another season of pruning.

What if after all these stuffs I had gone through, God suddenly asked me to change direction, to pray for something or someone else?

I don't know, but I'mma still fully obey,

His purpose never fails

What strengthens me this year, is that I have the privilege to see God's purpose being revealed in my life. I should have told the 3 years ago me (and the future me) that,
"Not only obedience, but your obedience AND God's time will position yourself to receive God's purpose. Don't you be impatient to understand God's purpose. Surrender your will and trade it for God's, because in His time, He will show to you as long as you obey. So, hello from the other side!"

I do still care about the outcome, what is God's will for my life, and stuffs, it's just that I admit those things are never in my department to begin with. 

Obedience, is the one within mine.

Additionally, as long as I can see I'm walking with God while He's pruning me according to His purpose, I'm content.

Pastor Steve said:
"The key to persevering through a season of pruning is remaining CONFIDENT in God’s PURPOSE."

I delight in my persecutions, because I trust in God's presence,

I trust that God knows what's best for me,

and that Jesus is all I need.

And, hey! This is only the first month of 2016 and I can feel God's moving tremendously!

What has been my stumbling blocks all this time will become my stepping stones,

I'm coming out with something!

I'm over it!

Thus Far the Lord Has Brought Me

Look How He Lifted Me

2015 and I finally accomplished my study in Malaysia

Why is this such a big deal for me?

Well, because every single year is always a fighting for me and my family in many aspects.

I won't be exaggerating if I say it takes faith to go through these 6 years.

Academically, I failed some subjects, underloaded to 3 subjects per semester in order to 'survive', and still struggled each semester. 

Especially the last semester, I really don't get why, but my sensor got burnt accidentally in week 11 which might cause my final year project to fail, 1 quiz + 2 last assignments in week 12, FYP presentation in week 13, and the finisher was done by final exams for two days straight in the first two days of week 14.

I wouldn't say that God was the One who did my last-and-the-hardest-paper on Tuesday, because if it was so, my paper would lead my examiner to repentance when he read it. But I truly believe, when I fell sick just the day before the first paper, it was God who strengthened me physically and morally to keep on studying and then finally finish em all.

It's funny though, how doubt came knocking on my door like a regular customer when I was waiting for my results to be released. There were many confirmations I received from my devotional time and even on the day of the result announcement, Elevation Worship posted something like this:
"God has already worked out what you're worried about." - Pastor Steven Furtick"

Yes, I felt nervous thinking of my results, but I believed when I've given my best, the next thing I ought to do is let God do the rest. So, I made my waiting time into working time.
I met with many people, served God by doing what I can do: Being the hospitality team for our church's guest speakers, helping my friends who moved out to another place, etc. Truly, I'm still grateful that I did so, I did not waste my time worrying what God has worked out.

"I don't worry, I worship" - Steven Furtick

Glad that I did the latter.

I Went After It

1 Sam 17:34-35 (ESV)

But David said to Saul, “Your servant used to keep sheep for his father. And when there came a lion, or a bear, and took a lamb from the flock,
I went after him and struck him and delivered it out of his mouth. And if he arose against me, I caught him by his beard and struck him and killed him.

Pastor Steven said: "That's what I hope people will say about me as a preacher, "that boy went after it, that boy preached till he couldn't preach anymore, that boy left it all out there in the pulpit, he went after it""

So here's my version:
I might get too hyped when worshipping God on-stage that I was off pitch many times, but I went after it.
I'm not the best singer people would've met in church, but, I still went after it. I keep on worshipping God no matter where I am.
I often thought too much until my goalkeeping was pretty clumsy sometimes, but I went after it.
I got too emotional when leading prayers that I have these slips of tongue every once in a while, but I went after it.

I want people not to see as a perfectly fine person because I'm not, but I really want that they see me as someone who "goes after it".
I'mma give my best shots each time my friends and I spend time together.
I'mma give my best to bring out the best in people around me.

What I do is not perfect, but I go after it.

I Have Nothing to Prove, Only One to Please

People asked me whether or not I'd finished my work in Malaysia.

I said "yes, absolutely"

Not only I finished my part, I'd prepared my friends to continue our works in FGCC Malaysia and even how to prepare their successors.

Back then, people often said my style of leading people is too harsh, some questioned my values, while some doubted my methods and the other assumed things- without really knowing what really happened between me and my friends or mentees.

I'm not saying that we don't have to improve and evaluate ourselves, it's mere arrogance, but beside having the right response in this kind of season, I also believe we ought to stay true to what God has called us to do, and I know that I have this holy discontent about young leaders.

I believe everyone is a leader in their own respective area. So that is why I devote myself into mentorship, learning more about it and being hated because of it.

While I had indeed made some wrong decisions previously, I'm also getting better at making right decisions. That is called growing and maturing, I believe.

Although some things I do will cause oppositions, I will not change my stand.

Even if I was given a chance to go back to the past, I would still choose and do the same things over and over again. 

Even if it means to be jeered at for doing it, I still will do the same thing.

Why?

Maybe because I know that my audience is not you, but God.

Through all these experiences, I learnt what they mean by giving up your right to be justified.

Real life situations, my friends heard things from other people about certain issues. I don't know which translation version they used, but I strongly believe if I was invited to their discussion, their stories would be a little bit different even if I did not speak any words. 

I hope you get what I mean.

Too often we try and even put our lives into justifying ourselves, to the extent that we don't have the chance to experience how God justifies us.

And too often we play the victim, and y'know, everybody can play the victim, it's easy.
I refused to have the victim mentality by explaining the real situations to just everybody.
Some people might not even be interested in the facts anyway.
It is less likely that people will clear up the misunderstandings they have caused and rarely people talk about others' strengths instead of weaknesses.

Let me put this in another way, if your gossipers won't bother clean up their mess, why should you, clean up their mess by trying to explain and prove everything you have done every single time? 

Ain't it tiring, peeps?

Romans 8:37 (ESV)
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

How can we become 'more than conquerors' if we let other people's voice define our reality?
Shouldn't we let God's Word define our reality?
Do not be a slave of people's opinions.
You have one true Master, it is God, not you yourself and certainly not the gossip.
Whether or not you read your Bible will determine your life.

This is necessary, however, to surround yourself with people who will get you closer to God, even if it means sometimes they need to support your decisions and the other time they rebuke you for your (pre or post) bad decisions, yet they still accept you just as you are.
Be transparent with them.

You can only grow in community, make sure your community is healthy not only for your happiness, but your inner man.

"You cannot grow in isolation. You can only grow in community." - A. R. Bernard

If something you have done is right, I believe God will make it right and clear the misunderstanding in front of people.
Otherwise, He won't (and then sends people to remind or rebuke you).
He might justify it later in this world or maybe in the later world, because everyone would be responsible for everything they have done and said.
However, even if He doesn't, it means the misunderstanding itself is not a big deal.
Simple!

Phil 3:15 (ESV)
Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.

I believe what Phil 3:15 says and you know what? 

Your actions reflect your beliefs.
That's why I act this way, because it reflects what I believe or especially Whom I have believed.

I have nothing to prove and only One to please

So Long, Malaysia

I thank God for my community, FGCC Malaysia.

I am a product of community, it doesn't take miraculous event to help me be an Indra Tan, it doesn't take a wonderful activity, or complicated strategy. 

God works on me tremendously through my community.

and especially my mentors: Ko Eddy Chang, Kak Tama Pakpahan and Kak Dicky for your impacts in my life, your relentless supports, prayers, and constructive rebukes. 

Your lives influence me to be the person I am right now.

  

  

Thank you Malaysia for this 6-year experience.
It has been a great journey.

I am moving on to the next stage.

Soredewa mata!

When It's Difficult to Hold On

Has it ever occured to you?
A period of wilderness in your life.
You walk and keep on walking, yet you don't know if you'll ever get out from it.
You hold on for so long, long enough that you start wondering why you are even here.
You pray, but it doesn't seem to change anything, neither you, nor the situation.

I don't know if you have experienced it,
some older people might say they've gone through it..
... the feeling when you lost your will to live, what's the purpose of continuing it.

I know I haven't lived long enough, and that's even scarier,
that I thought of things like this pretty early.

You often hear that the wilderness is not permanent, and you know that it's to prepare young generation of Israelites for God's promises for them.

Still, if nothing has ever happened since your first prayer here, you're goin to start to believe that it might not be preparing you for something better, you think that it's the fact of how you're gonna spend the rest of your life, that it's PERMANENT.
A life full of fights, accusations, misunderstandings, heartbreaking realities.

Oh, well, you might've tried to explain what God's called you to do to some people, and still can't be understood. And the truth is, the more you're trying, often the more you're talking yourself out of what God really wants.
You tried, and the voices and winds of accusations are getting even stronger instead.

And then, not only you lose the vision of why exactly you are doing what you are doing, but you don't understand what's on earth you have been doing ALL THIS TIME and what's left from God's promises for you, or or... what are actually the promises given to you? Did you actually hear any?

You know, this ain't a really happy state of mind or life.

You have lost the sharp edge of your life,
lost your passion,
lost your sight of God most of the time, no matter how hard you pray.
Even worse, you feel beaten up every time you wake up by the voices of chatterbox.

You prayed 'Sun Stand Still' prayers, yet the sun goes down.
You told yourself "just because your progress isn't obvious, it doesn't mean your faith is not working", and nothing worked.
You taught yourself "don't stop on 6", but your 7th day never comes.
2 years ago, I thought it was my last lap, nope
last year, I thought it was so, nay
this year, I can't even think of anything.
(I can't imagine the agony of walking in the wilderness for FORTY years, I'm like just about 1/5 way of it and feel like quitting many times)

Why, God?
I fight the battles You want me to, learn to do it in ways You love, and still I face great afflictions from the inside.
I once believed I was set apart for Your purpose, but now, it feels as if I'm set aside because of these set backs.
I don't mind walking extra miles anywhere You say, I know Your job scope often exceeds what I expect in the beginning, but I don't think I registered for these "extra courses" when I enrolled my life.
I'm okay with all those oppositions if they have purpose, but when will it stop hurting like it's hurting now? Is this a battle that's really worth fighting for? All those fights, all those sufferings, all those nights without sleep, all those prayers that seem unanswered.

For the very first time of my life, I waved a white flag to God.
That was when my Pastor prayed for me and mentioned about 'Second Wind',
to push myself one more time, as my finish line is drawing near, and it's really a shame to quit now.
With all my scepticism currently going on and on in my head, I thought,
"Pastor, that was what I told myself over and over again. So how can I believe that this time is going to be any different?"

But I didn't say that, I was afraid of missing something that God wanted to speak to me.
So I stayed silent.

If you asked me what's the purpose of this post...
Well I don't know, I'm looking for the answer too, for that question and for my questions about this journey.

Maybe, (just maybe, I don't know) God wants to teach me:
1. The true meaning of perseverance, no matter how high the tide's gonna be and how long it's gonna take, when you stand strong and believe in God, you will come out VICTORIOUS.
The Bible is full of people who stood strong even til the end.

2. The God's standardized that is often seen as hard (or harsh) preparations to prepare me for something God has prepared for me, so that I will be ready for greater blessings.
"Never doubt in the dark what God shows you in the light."

3. To fix my eyes on Jesus, "in every high and stormy gale my ANCHOR holds within the veil" that my faith won't be on what I'm doing but on what God's doing.
To show me that His promise is true no matter what, full stop.

4. To understand the true meaning of being set apart and anointed.
"To be anointed means to be singled out by God for special favours or responsibilities"

Last but not least, even the most important, it is.
5. To love the Lord my God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength and with all my mind.


For closing, I would like to write some things from the series Sticks and Stones by Pastor Steven Furtick:

I am anointed to accomplish my assignment

Just because I'm not visible doesn't mean I'm not valuable

It's the things that noone sees that produce the results that everyone wants - Craig Groeschel

I don't need a better assignment to have a greater anointing

I have nothing to prove and only One to please

Fix your eyes on Him and receive what only He can give

Count Your Blessings

You can change the title as you want, the options are as follow:

1. Things that I want to show off

2. Things to be thankful for

3. My happy moments

Just kidding...

Although this writing is telling you what I received and went into recently, I'll make sure that IF you follow this post, you will find sharing that will encourage you :)

We tend to forget that we are blessed and highly favoured, yes we do...

I'm actually helping myself to be grateful by writing this post, as how I wrote the previous post

I'm such a forgetful person, I can forget God's kindness just like that, not a good thing for sure

2013:

1. I'mma remind myself of how grateful I am for a brother named Brian Adam Pratama in my life.

Ajarin gua selca dong, Bri

This awesome guy became my one on one partner since last year, and I have the sweetest brotherhood ever since.

Strong relationship needs sincerity, efforts and commitment.

2. Playing for Monash University Malaysia Futsal Team

Yoi merah sendiri

I was like "Go-International" huh?
I'm not the best Goalkeeper they can find, but through unexpected event, my friend, Vedo Irawan talked to Monash Captain, Shaf and recommended me to train with Monash team.










3. Freelance futsal

Elastico vs Oli's Team

It's not like they pay me or something like that, but some nice and generous people who don't mind if I play bad, such as Elastico's coach (which happens to be my cousin's friend, Samuel Siew) . He sometimes invited me to play for their team.
I'm honoured.






4. Leading worship in a wedding ceremony

Deo mukanya lagi jelek di sini, jadi gua upload yang ini

My first ever experience in doing so. I was confused, like: "What song to bring? I know I can't shout like usual, but how am I gonna do this?"
Thank you Ko Jackson Pang and Silvie Hosea for the privilege :).








5. Meeting my "twin sister", Wellney Yarra

Abis makan brutal sama mamanya Welni

Buku Max Lu Kado kalo menurut dia

I met her last year as she enrolled herself in CIMP Malaysia. I found many similarities between us, we are both smart, talkative and attractive *teehee. Hence, I often introduced her as my twin sister to my friends. I'm thankful that I have the privilege to listen and share stories with such great woman of God.
She gave Max Lucado's book as my birthday present and wrote a message as her appreciation, it goes like: "Makasih karena menghabiskan waktuku yang sangat mahal buat cerita sampe subuh." Well, it's pretty much summed up her gratitude, eh?

God really loves her, I tell you...
If any guy wants to date her, he better be really serious about it and take care of her well. You mess with her, means you mess with me.

6. Steven Furtick and Elevation Church

    

Through an unexpected event happened last year, I found a post on my Tumblr that led me to Elevation Church, in November 2013 (read it HERE)
I love Pastor Steven Furtick very much, he is one anointed, passionate and enthusiastic preacher of God.

Through their Elevation app, (of which you can download for android and iphone for free) I am able to listen to God's Word easily.
I follow their sermons and projects from that moment onward, I even listen to Ps. Steven's sermons over and over again because they are powerful and encouraging, they help me to stay on track and stand strong big times, perfect food for your spirit.

2014:
Fast forward to this year, shall we?

7. Invitation to serve with FreshGe in Semarang

The invitation came from Ko Franklin Gunarto, an alumnus and a senior Worship Leader in FGCC.
I never expected me to be invited, you know (I'm being honest here), I was at a loss for words, thank you :)

                             

Song lists :3

Ps. Eddy Chang's preaching

Sound Check at GMS Tower of Victory

FreshGe at GMS ToV, Semarang

FGCC (+Alumni) in GIA Pringgading, Semarang

 8. Ko Frank's efforts and response

Si Ko Frank dan bayangannya Ci Mon2

I'll try to tell his story briefly: He has bought a train ticket for Friday night from Bandung to Semarang, but due to flood, he needed to drive all the way back to Jakarta while calling travel agents to get flight ticket in order to reach Semarang on Saturday noon
(because we had rehearsal at 1 pm, and this team is expert, they didn't meet each other for 2 years and only had practise session on the day they served ahaha). 
Ko Frank then reached Jakarta at 3 am after long hours of driving. By God's grace he managed to get 9 am ticket, though previously he got 11 am ticket.

My FreshCom Leader, Adrian Kosasih told me that when he gave Ko Frank a call on Friday night, he could hear that Ko Frank still sounded excited and didn't even feel down.

I'm sorry for my short explanation above, maybe you can't understand what happened really well, but after a whole night driving right after you worked, without being able to rest or even taking a shower, due to some unexpected development (flood), yet you are still joyful?
Soo, his response really inspired me :)

Not only that, actually later on, I found that all FreshGe members had their own trials but they still served God whole-heartedly and you can see joy on their face when we worshipped together.
I'm really grateful to be there.

9. Steven Furtick's message

As I implied above, I was never a member of Elevation before this, I just love the sermons and the books (Sun Stand Still and Greater).

Makasih lho Jansen

Here's a preview from Sun Stand Still, that helped me stay sane.
Before you swim out any farther, be sure that God is the One leading you out into deep waters. Count the cost. Consider the ramifications. Apply wisdom. Then, once it's clear he is calling you into the waves, don't you dare let the magnitude of your fears send you back to dry land. Keep moving out deeper. Keep reaching up.















In the beginning of January, I just tweeted randomly about Ps.Steven's new book, Crash the Chatterbox and Elevation Worship's new album, Only King Forever. Then this pastor, who barely replies anyone on Twitter, sent me the message you can see at bottom.

I was like: "No, Pastor, thank you, I just want to support Elevation by buying your books and cds."

After that, I felt like God said: "Accept it, it is for you"

So I sent my address anyway.

And on 4th of February, the package came (after being missent to Taipei), hurray!
It's not like I used God's name to justify my doing, but for me personally, this is really His way to show how I am not lost from His eyes.
Recently I felt really down, I felt like I'm doing something that seems pointless, and even sometimes I even felt worthless, but I know God was the One who started everything. I often find myself wondering, "Do these things have purpose, God? I need a break, I want to get my joy back."
And just like that, He sent me fresh winds, as if He wanted to say: "You got My attention, son."

10. I'm grateful for my (real) sister, who forgot about my birthday and had short-circuit in her brain since she started doing internship :|

Many times she asked me some silly questions and then realized after some moments, she would say: "Dedek bego ya ko."
One time I told her, "My whole body is sore, I just had futsal match yesterday" and she was like: "Heh? You played futsal yesterday, why are you feeling sore now?" I'm unable to answer this question.

Still, she is my precious younger sister, we often do stupid things together, be idiotic together, share stories (you can name the categories: funny, serious, stupid, good-for-your-future, relationship, ga-jelas, ga-penting, apa-sih-ini.) and have fun together.
So yea, I'm cherishing my every moment with my beloved ones.

11. I am grateful for battles that scarred me but didn't break me

You guys have your own battles, I have mine.
This was what happened recently, it took me some time to finally be able to say: "Yes, You are Who You are, You are faithful, great and loving. I will trust You wherever You lead me to."

When darkness seems to blur His plans, believe His character.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. - Jeremiah 29:11

My point in writing this is not to show how blessed I am.
I'm counting my blessings and teaching myself about God being my only joy.
I believe the key not to be anxious about anything is through thanksgiving.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God - Philipians 4:6

In every season we are currently in, there are blessing and beauty all around if you look for them.
Maybe you're feeling down right now, you feel disappointed, you feel worn out and broken, but we have to learn not to be anxious about anything. Surrender our doubts and fears to God, because He cares.

You don't believe me? Never mind, just trust His words, for He is trustworthy.
You can start doing what I did, counting my blessings and see that God is faithful!